How to Defeat a Dragon

Do you know Smaug the dragon's one weakness? Well, his other weakness then? It's reviews.

Smaug absolutely loathes reviews, hates them with a fiery passion (especially positive ones). So much so, they make him bang his head against walls and tear his armoured scales off!

What's the up shot of this? If you want to help Thorin, Bilbo and company defeat Smaug the dragon, please leave me a review!

Okay, so I may have a slight case of Hobbit fever. Sue me! ;)

If the rest of this post doesn't interest you, please skip to the gratuitous Hobbit pic spam below.

Seriously though, reviews are one of a writers best selling tools, but the biggest and best site for reviews (Amazon) appears to have put a rather overzealous commuter program to use, trying to weed out untrue reviews. A few examples are the ones authors (such as John Locke) pay to be written, those left by friends, family and (as hit the newspapers headlines his year) author sock-puppet accounts. Quite how this program works, no one knows because Amazon won't tell. I can't even begin to fathom how you can tell which reviews were paid for and which weren't. From what I can gather though, reviews from people who live in the same genera zipcode/postcode area as the author, seem to be classified as friends of the author and bahleted with prejudice.

The Hobbit Read-Along, Chapter Nineteen

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Ch12 | Ch13 | Ch14 | Ch15 | Ch16 | Ch17 | Ch18

The complete Hobbit cast. Okay, the 15 main protagonists. Okay, the 15 protagonists who go to reclaim Erebor.

Bilbo and Gandalf make their way home, stopping to visit those who had taken them in on the way to the Lonley Mountain. If there were adventures (and we are assured there were) we do not get to hear of them.

Finally Bilbo arrives home to find his possessions being auctioned off as the villagers think he's dead. He's upset to find his stuff being sold and has to buy most of it back. I'm not sure what this detail adds to the story or why it was included. It's a bit like John McClane stopping the terrorists and arriving home to find his house had been knocked down by an earthquake. 

But he's happy and content. Years later, Galdalf and Balin visit Bilbo while he's writing his memoirs and they tell him that all is well in the Lonely Mountain too.

“They fell to talking of their times together, of course, and Bilbo asked how things were going in the lands of the Mountain. It seemed they were going very well. Bard had rebuilt the town in Dale and men had gathered to him from the Lake and from South and West, and all the valley had become tilled again and rich, and the desolation was now filled with birds and blossoms in spring and fruit and feasting in autumn. And Lake-town was refounded and was more prosperous than ever, and much wealth went up and down the Running River; and there was friendship in those parts between elves and dwarves and men.”

So a happy ending for most.

Overall the book is badly paced and far too limited in it's point of view. Are we to assume the Narrator is Bilbo and this is why our perspective is so limited? Perhaps, though it is never stated. If Bilbo is the narrator, it explains why we learned so little about the final battle after Bilbo is knocked out, it doesn't explain though, how Bilbo knew such detail about the dragon's attack on Lake-town, since he also wasn't there for it. If he asked for that information to include it in such detail in his memoirs, then why didn't he ask about what happened in the battle? Why gloss over the biggest fight in the whole book?

And what of our questers; we still know next to nothing about them. A few lines of back story in a few cases, such as Thorin and Bilbo, but overall not much at all. They seem like stereotypes, all behaving as a dwarf, elf, hobbit etc. should, rather then becoming people in their own right. Even Bilbo. All we know is that his mothers family had an adventurous side, we learn very little of just how and why he is brave and cowardly in equal measure, he simply is and we must accept that.

The characters are little more than caricatures and I am still none the wiser as to their motivation on the whole.

I would like someone to explain to me how Thorin dying made him a good person. Many died that day and all his dying proves is that Thorin was not a coward (unlike Bilbo). I still do not know who Thorin was, nor any of the other dwarves. Even Bilbo; one might think he had been changed by his adventures, however it seems that he is now perfectly content to go back to the small, quiet little life that he had before.

I must also note that we have made it through the entire book with only two female characters even being mentioned in passing. Not an eagle, wolf, hobbit, dwarf, goblin, elf or man having a single woman feature among their number. I assume they exist since two have been mentioned but clearly they do not merit an acknowledgement.

Actually I'm glad for that.

JRR Tolken was raised during the women's suffrage movement and after much struggle, torture, imprisonment, assault and suffering, often for nothing more than standing up and daring to ask when women would get the vote, they finally succeeded in 1928, nine years before this book was written. He could not in any way shape or form have missed the suffrage movement and the courage and sacrifice of it's members.

While writing these blogs I have heard a lot of people excuse Tolken's weaknesses because he wrote The Hobbit as a story for his children, not for commercial success. Okay, fine, but he had a daughter born in 1929, making her 8 when this book was published. Did he write this story only for his sons? If not, why didn't he want to include a role model for his daughter, or even just a single female character that she could relate to?

I tend to believe that only the most ardent of misogynists would completely ignore an entire gender and it seems obvious to me that JRR Tolken had no use for women, beyond being a wife and mother. If you require more proof of this, the only two women mentioned were as mothers to the protagonists. One doesn't even merit a name, just sister of Thorin, mother of Fili and Kili. That poor nameless woman lost her brother and two sons in a single day!

Therefore I am glad that Tolkien chose to ignore women for had he included them, they would surely be pale, meek and most likely little more than slaves at worst or drudges at best. If that is to be our depiction, then I would rather have no depiction at all.

The great thing with fantasy is that anything is possible, even things that need no explanation, so why do so many fantasy writers want to ignore us or enslave us? In other words, go back to when we were repressed rather than looking forward to the day when true equality or even superiority (it is fantasy, after all) is possible?

This has been an interesting experience and the book is mildly entertaining, but I have no desire to ever read it again. I do have a desire to learn more about these two dimensional characters, to know why they act as they do, what their internal dialogue is, and I hope that the movie will fill in some of those gaping holes. The two and a half minute trailer certainly gives the characters more depth that this entire book has done so that gives me hope. 

 Will I watch the movie? Maybe. At least it can't be any worse than the book!

The Hobbit Trailer

The Hobbit Read-Along, Chapter Eighteen

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Ch12 | Ch13 | Ch14 | Ch15 | Ch16 | Ch17

When Bilbo awakes after the battle is over and no goblins remain. Rather anticlimactic after the build up of our questers being in a hopeless situation. I guess we're going to be told how it ended rather than shown. *sigh*

Bilbo is taken to Thorin who is dying of his wounds and wants to make peace with the hobbit first. 

"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world. But sad or merry, I must leave it now. Farewell!" [Thorins final words.]

Bilbo leaves and has a good cry. 

So the only dwarf  that we really got to know realises his wrongs for exactly two paragraphs, finally grows as a character, becomes a better person, only to die in the next paragraph.

The narrator then deigns to tell us some of what happened since Bilbo was knocked out. Considering what excruciating detail the first chapter was described in, I'm a little sore that the battle has simply been glossed over. I think I would have preferred to know less about a hobbit home and more about how the dwarves, elves and men united and finally won.

The eagles and Beorn (the shapeshifter) turned the tide. Gandalf seemingly was just sitting quietly since he doesn't seem to have figured in the victory at all, though a sling on his arm means that he wasn't totally idle but we don't know what he did or why his arm in injured.

Fili and Kili also died protecting their uncle but the other 10 dwarves survived. We learn nothing of the 10. Did they learn a lesson? Are they better people after the quest? Do they miss Thorin, Fili and Kili? Do they even care? We don't know because we aren't told. 

Dain, is the new king of the dwarves but all we know about him is that he is Thorin's kin and that he led the dwarf party from the Iron Hills to help the other dwarves. It would have been nice if whatever dwarf took over the kingdom was one that we knew a little something about, perhaps even someone who had been on the quest and who we could have seen grow and develop into the leader he would need to be. 

You're right, that probably is asking a lot.

So first we had the huge built up to the mountain and it's dragon, only for the dwarves to do nothing and the dragon to be killed with a single arrow from Bard. Now we have a second build up to an epic battle, only to be told about how it was won rather than seeing it for ourselves.

Right now the whole book feels like one giant anticlimax.

The Hobbit Read-Along, Chapter Seventeen

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Ch12 | Ch13 | Ch14 | Ch15 | Ch16

The next day the lake-men and elves seek another audience with Thorin, but this time are perfectly happy to lay down their arms before approaching... Um, why didn't they just do that in the beginning?

The elf king is still there though and so Thorin refuses to talk. Well he did keep them prisoner for weeks when he had no right to, I'm not sure I'd be keen to open a dialogue with him.

Bard then shows Thorin that he has the arkenstone and asks what he will give for it. Thorin is floored and calls them thieves for stealing his heirloom. Bilbo admits he gave it to them as he took it to be his 14^th share of the hoard. (yeah, cos Throin didn't repeatedly say that they can take what they want except the arkenstone!)

Gandalf reveals himself in time to stop Thorin tossing Bilbo off the mountain.

Disgusted, Thorin tells Bilbo to join the lake-men and elves and offers them a 14^th of the gold and silver (what would have been Bilbo's share) in exchange for the arkenstone.

Gandalf tells Thorin that he is not making a good impression as the new King Under the Mountain but that things may change.

Everyone departs vowing to return tomorrow for their share of the treasure at which time they will hand over the arkenstone.

Some of the dwarves are sorry that Bilbo has been kicked out but Thorin is considering using his other kin who are on their way to recapture the arkenstone and double cross the elves and lake-people.

Not a very nice thing to do, a gentleman's word should be his bond. I think the gold has gone to his head. 

Actually the gold has gone to everyone's head and Bilbo and Gandalf are the only characters I can stand right now.  

Undeniably, Bard did something very heroic  in staying the dragon but his heroic image is seriously tarnished by then demanding gold as payment.  Did St George demand money after he slayed the dragon? I don't think so!


The men can ask, certainly, but to demand? And to demant that your friends, the elves, also get some when they did NOTHING to deserve it? Why are the elves even here, they have no claim on this gold. They offered no assistance to the dwarves or men and nor did they slay any bad-guys.


And not only are the dwarves steadfastly refusing said demands, they are now thinking of double-crossing the men and elves? 


It's all very childish, like kids fighting in the playground over a new toy! 

The first part of this chapter can be summed up very easily. "It's mine," "No, it's mine!" "No, it's MINE!" "Gimme!" "No!" "MINE!" "MINE!!!" It's not appealing in the slightest.

Anyway, back to the story. Thorin then sends a crow to tell his kin of what has happened. The other dwarves finally  arrive 2 days later but instead of picking a fight they only want to pass to the mountain (Yay!) their rightful home but Bard won't let them until he has his gold ("It's mine!" "No it's mine!"). He sends someone to the gate only to be met with arrows and while the bard and elven king are debating what to do, the dwarves attack!

Thorin unites the armies

Just as the battle begins Gandalf steps between the parties and cries for then to stop. A swarm of bats distracts them and they do stop, then Gandalf tells them that the Goblins and wolves are nearly here.

And so the elves, men and dwarves unite to fight against their universal foe, the goblins.

The good guys win for a while, then start to lose, then Thorin emerges from the mountain and nothing can touch him, apparently. He calls everyone to him and unites the three forces (really? Where did such powerful charisma come from exactly?) and for a time they win again. Finally though, outnumbered, they are surrounded by goblins and wolves.

Gandalf is sitting quietly so I think he must have something up his sleeve, then as the end is near, Bilbo (who has put his ring on and is safely hiding from the battle) spies eagles coming this way. At which point he is promptly knocked out.

I've got to say, the battle is fairly interesting, though so far not at all long.

With a big enough SFX budget, this battle could look epic on a big screen. I'm quietly confident that Peter Jackson has both the budget and the vision to pull it off.

The Hobbit Read-Along, Chapter Fifteen

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Ch12 | Ch13 | Ch14

Someone, a raven to be exact, bothers to tell the dwarves that the dragon is dead and that many people are marching on the mountain to claim the gold therein. Thorin asks the raven's to contact his people (dwarves that is) who are close by and ask them for assistance. The raven duly agrees.

Run, ponies, RUN!

Our questers are able to find three of their ponies who survived Smaug's attack and the ponies are still carrying enough food to last the dwarves for weeks. Thankfully they then set the wretched ponies free. Good; enough ponies have already been killed during this fools quest. 

The dwarves then set about fortifying the only remaining entrance leaving no doors and only holes to shoot through. They are preparing to hold the attackers off but as the raven pointed out, there are only 13 of them (plus one hobbit).

The marching armies see the bricked up entrance, realise that Thorin and at least some of his Co are alive and some simply give up and go home.

Gees, the Lakemen and elvish are worse than the French! At lest the French gave the impression of putting up a fight.

What would Thorin sing? I Will Survive? Kung Foo Fighting?

The remaining men and elves make camp nearby and start singing. Then the dwarves start singing. Everybody's singing. I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of some really bad X-Factor auditions.

The next day Bard comes to speak with Thorin, explaining that some of his ancestors gold is among Smaug's hoard (for he comes from Dale, which used to be at the foot of the mountain) and asking for compensation for the Lake-men, who did after all aid the dwarves and slay the dragon.

Thorin says he will not discuss it while armed men camp outside and asks, had they arrived to find the dwarves dead, how much of the gold they would have sought to give to the dwarves kin, since most of it is rightfully theirs. Good point actually. Maybe these dwarves do have a brain cell or two.

Thorin wants the elves sent away as they have no claim at all on the gold, and arms laid down before he will discuss settlement. Bard says the elves are their friends, he won't send them away nor lay down his arms before approaching the gate. An impasse ensues with the Lake-men and elves hoping to starve Thorin and Co into submission.

Good thing they have a few weeks worth of food and help on the way, right? And hang on, wasn't Galdalf on his way back like 5 chapters ago?

The Hobbit Read-Along, Chapter Fourteen

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Ch12 | Ch13 |

Bard, the man (not dwarf) who killed the dragon

So it seems that Smaug the dragon went to attack Laketown since the men there helped the dwarves out with supplies.  Bard, an archer from the town, fired into the unprotected patch on his belly as he flew over head and killed the beast.

So our dwarves are saved once again by others. It's a wonder the dwarves can remember their own names since they are clearly so inferior to every other creature in Middle Earth. 

This felt like a real let down. I thought that when we met the dragon, surely the dwarves would finally get a chance to prove their prowess and slay him. Alas I was to be sorely disappointed once more. 

At the moment I can't figure out a reason for the dwarves to even be on this quest, it almost feels like Tolkien actually dislikes them since he has given them no purpose but to be comedic fodder and appear cowardly so that Bilbo can learn to be brave. I honestly don't think that the plot would have been severely affected by there being only one dwarf on this mission. In fact they are so interchangeable that singular dwarves rarely speak, instead we are told things like "the dwarves said". 

No wonder Peter Jackson was worried about differentiating the dwarves on screen because the book does little to give them individual personalities. Only 3 of the 13 dwarves are distinguishable from the others, the leader, the fat one and the friendly one. They're not so much characters as caricatures.

Anyway, back to the chapter. Now word has spread to everyone that Smaug is dead (except for our dwarves of course, who are still blissfully ignorant) and elves, lake-men and others are discussing it and making plans to seize the fortune in the mountain for themselves. 

To be honest, I half think the Lake-men deserve the treasure. They did kill the dragon, after all.

The Hobbit Read-Along, Chapter Thirteen

Previous chapters: Intro | Ch1 | Ch2 | Ch3 | Ch4 | Ch5 | Ch6 | Ch7 | Ch8 | Ch9 | Ch10 | Ch11 | Ch12 |

The dwarves, waiting inside the mountain

After sitting around for a few days in pitch darkness (these dwarves do like sitting around a lot. Why didn't they bring some tea and cakes with them? At least they could sit around and mope in style then) when the dragon doesn't return for a while, the dwarves finally venture further down, inside the mountain, closer to the dragons lair. This might have been brave of them if the dragon hadn't blocked the way out and then disappeared, giving them little choice in the matter and little danger to face.

Anyway, they finally venture further into the mountain and into the dragon's lair and since Smaug is missing, they take their time rummaging through the gold and treasure. Thorin seems to be looking for something in particular, probably the Arkenstone, which Bilbo has already found and taken but decided to keep quiet about for some reason.

A depiction of the Arkenstone by Whitney Marie Travis

They venture to the main entrance of the mountain, then up to a hidey hole/lookout for... I'm not really sure why they went there to be honest.

Seriously, you guys are the worse treasure hunters ever! This book should be called “How Not To Steal A Fortune”. Better still, “How to Play Hide and Seek with a Dragon”.

I really wish something would happen, someone would come up with a plan, Gandalf might return and have some kind of idea for how to kill Smaug or smuggle the treasure out.

I think someone needs to ask!

Why don't they blow up or collapse the entrance to the mountain so that Smaug is cut off from his hoard and kept out of the mountain? Why don't they forage for something flammable to douse Smaug in, since it's doubtful he's completely fire proof, even if he is a dragon. And even supposing he is entirely flame proof, trick him into drinking the stuff then the first time he breaths fire, he'll cook from the inside out. Why don't they consider using poison or infection? Why did no one think to bring a flask of the black water in the forest that sends people (and hopefully dragons) to sleep? 

A truly heroic dwarf would at this point be eating something poisonous to dragons and getting himself eaten. Problem solved! 

Oh, and Bilbo is back to moaning about not having regular meals again. This food fixation is really starting to get on my nerves. On the one hand they have a big scary dragon who wants to eat them, on the other, they missed a second breakfast. I think their priorities are wrong.

The Hobbit Read-Along, Chapter Twelve

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"You are familiar with Thorin's style on important occasions, so I will not give you any more of it, though he went on a good deal longer than this."

Oh the delicious irony of that statement!

They have opened the door in the mountain side and the cowardly dwarves sent Bilbo into the mountain. He encounters a sleeping dragon but rather than killing him while his guard is down, Bilbo just steals a gold cup. When the dragon awakes he notices it is missing and begins hunting for the thief but the dwarves take refuge inside the mountain and Smaug is left chasing their ponies for his tea since they are the only sign that anyone else was there.

One thing I notice again with this chapter is that Tolken kills a lot of ponies. While our hero's always manage to escape unharmed, it always seems to be the poor ponies who pay the price for their adventures. I make it 29 ponies now who have bitten the dust.

It seems that dragons are an over confident species and I am sure this will be Smaug's downfall. When Bilbo sneaks close to the dragons lair the next day (the cowardly dwarves sending him alone once again) after enjoying a little chat with Bilbo, Smaug doesn't seem in any hurry to capture the thieves.

It also turns out that the dwarves had no plan for what to do with the treasure once they had re-captured it. I always assumed they wanted the whole mountain back and planned to slay the dragon since it was once their kingdom, and move back into it. Alas no; they planned to steal the treasure and leave again, except that haven't given any thought to how they might leave without being seen by the dragon nor how they might transport such a large hoard of gold.

They have no plan A let alone a plan B.

I'm picturing something like Die Hard 3 where they used 14 truck to clear out the gold bullion reserves.

They take refuge in the entrance to the mountain tunnel once again as Smaug has another go at finding them and then as Smaug damages the entrance to the tunnel they find that they are trapped inside the mountain. Smaug then travels to Laketown to reap vengeance on the people who he believes sent the theives.

There is mention of a great gem under the mountain and I can't help but feel that this gem, the Arkenstone, will be their salvation.

The Hobbit Read-Along, Chapter Eleven

Previous chapters: Intro | Ch1 | Ch2 | Ch3 | Ch4 | Ch5 | Ch6 | Ch7 | Ch8 | Ch9 | Ch10 |

Our questers arrive at the mountain in rather low spirits, though I can't really see why. Dwarves and hobbits seem to be rather pessimistic creatures by nature. 
 

I could understand if they were worried but to just be depressed seems weird, though completely in character since all they do is moan, whine, complain and bitch.

And wouldn't you know it, the arrive at the mountain just on the cusp of autumn/winter, when the map says that they keyhole in the secret door in the mountain will be visible. What luck! 

They don't seem to have given any thought to this fortuitous happening, being pessimists and all. At least they're not moaning about food for once.

They do indeed find the keyhole, open the door and head inside the mountain.

The Hobbit Read-Along, Chapter Ten

Previous chapters: Intro | Ch1 | Ch2 | Ch3 | Ch4 | Ch5 | Ch6 | Ch7 | Ch8 | Ch9 |

The plan worked and all dwarves survived the trip down the river and made it to Laketown. I'm assuming someone is going to bite the dust at some point but against all odds, all 13 dwarves and Bilbo still live.

Kili, who does indeed have an (unnamed) mother

Poor Bilbo had a cold from the water and is grumpy. The dwarves, upset at being in barrels for a day are also grumpy. Basically everyone is grumpy. The inhabitants of Laketown take them in however and feed them. They are thrilled that the king under the mountain has returned (save for a few doubters) and offer any assistance the dwarves need to help complete their quest. The end is in sight as the mountain is visible from Laketown. Two weeks later they are rested and recovered and ready to head off to the mountain.

Oh, there is mention of another woman, they do exist! Fili and Kili are the sons of Thorin's sister. Of course that's all we get, that she bore two male children; in fact she is such a non-entity that we're not even told her name. Still, at least now I know the dwarves aren't hermaphrodites! 

The Hobbit Read-Along, Chapter Nine

Previous chapters: Intro | Ch1 | Ch2 | Ch3 | Ch4 | Ch5 | Ch6 | Ch7 | Ch8 |

The remaining dwarves are captured by the wood-elves, with... well no fight at all (due to their immense hunger, in case you'd somehow managed to forget that they were starving!).

Now prisoners of the elf king until they tell him why they were in his forest, which they won't do because they don't want to have to split their treasure with him, at least they are well fed (cos that's what matters when you're wrongly imprisoned) and seemingly in no hurry to come up with an escape plan.

Thorin and all the dwarves are placing their hopes on Bilbo to rescue them. I despair of these dwarves. A warrior race? They surrender faster than the French!

Anyway, Bilbo does come up with a plan (after a good few weeks mind) and they travel out of the palace down a river where the empty barrels get sent onto the next town like an aquatic laundry chute but for empty beer and wine barrels.

Though some barrels are heavy for empty ones, the elves still haul them into the water. Though some sit lower in the water than they should, they still get passed on through the gates onto Laketown. It seems that Elves are none too bright either.

When the chapter finishes we do not know who is alive and who (if anyone) is dead. Right now I'd say they all deserve to be dead.

Thorin in the clink!

Just out of interest, I'm now about halfway through (chapter 9 of 19) and still have not encountered a female character. Worse still, there is only one single reference to a female character, Bilbo's mother. 

Since they are away from home for so long (they left in spring and it is now becoming autumn) you would have thought that the dwarves might mention missing a wife or loved one. But maybe there are no lady dwarves. Perhaps they are they hermaphrodites? Asexual, perhaps? Maybe they're all clones?

Is is making babies all Middle Earth women are good for? Yeah, I guess so. Not even the evil species like the goblins or the animal species, like the wolves and owls seem to have any females among their rank. Perhaps it is illegal for women of all species to do anything but raise children?

My preferred theory though, is that the women got so sick and tired of these dumb-as-a-rock men and have made their own communities in the North.

The Hobbit Read-Along, Chapter Eight

Previous chapters: Intro | Ch1 | Ch2 | Ch3 | Ch4 | Ch5 | Ch6 | Ch7 |

Who could have guessed that our party of questers would wander from the path and into danger? Sorry, that's too easy, no prizes for guessing that one.

However, they travelled for many weeks without encountering even a hint of danger. Okay, there was an enchanted river, but they had been warned about it and the dwarf in question simply fell in, losing them their dinner at the same time.

Now they have used up all their food and wandered from the path in search of a feast they believe they saw. The feasters disappear in a flash each time they come across the gathering though and finally Bilbo and the dwarves run into some giant spiders.

12 dwarves get captured, though Bilbo manages to escape and rescue the others with a little help from his magic ring. Bilbo notes that there are 12 dwarves cocooned in spider web but doesn't wonder where the 13^th is.

The dwarves are freed and run off into the forest, but none notice that their leader is missing until nightfall.

All I can do is roll my eyes at this point and wonder how, being so stupid, they have managed to stay alive at all. They are so dumb that it's a wonder they can even tie their own shoe laces. Or maybe they don't have laces on their boots; just as well really, Velcro is more their intelligence level.

It turns out that Thorin has been captured by elves and will remain their prisoner until he talks, which he presently refuses to do. I really hope he has the guile to get out of this on his own and redeem the dwarves somewhat but I am not hopeful. Not at all.

Also, I'm getting sick and tires of all these references to food and being starving. Honestly, we get it, you like food, you're hungry, but there is no food so STFU and get on with getting out of the forest!

The Hobbit Read-Along, Chapter Seven

Previous chapters: Intro | Ch1 | Ch2 | Ch3 | Ch4 | Ch5 | Ch6 |

Beorn

Wouldn't you know it, although they lost everything again, horses, food, supplies, they found a nice shapeshifter called Beorn (he wasn't in Abba by any chance, was he?) who was more than happy for them to sleep in his house, take his food and use his horses. I'm only surprised he didn't give them the shirt off his back! These middle earth types are incredibly helpful, you know.

But now Gandalf is finally leaving and they are heading into a dangerous forest. No really, extremely dangerous. The most dangerous part of the trip.

Once again they must not stray from the path lest they encounter all sorts of evil. I and forced to wonder what makes these paths so safe from evil creatures. Anything malevolent forces that had a brain would surely keep and eye on all paths through the forest. Maybe they're some kind of survivalist evil creatures who feel that they have to work a bit harder than just laying an ambush for their food?

As I have come to realise, logic doesn't have much place in this book.

I am also hopeful that without Gandalf present, the dwarves might prove themselves the mighty warriors that we have been so often told they are.

Here's hoping!

The Hobbit Read-Along, Chapter Six

Previous chapters: Intro | Ch1 | Ch2 | Ch3 | Ch4 | Ch5 |

Ah, what luck, wouldn't you know it, the dwarves, all of them, happen to be right on the path Bilbo was walking. Damned good job too since if you take a wrong path in these mountains, you have to go right back to the beginning and start again!

Once again, Gandalf saved the day, rescuing the dwarves and showing them the exit, but forgetting about poor ol' Bilbo.

So they continue on their journey, and there is a little more peril when they are trapped up trees by wolves and the goblins light fires under the trees to get them out. But, blessed be, Gandalf once saved an eagle's life and he and his fellow eagles collect them from the trees and fly them to safety, giving them some food too.

I think the term Deus ex machina could have been invented for Tolken.

And for a warrior race, the dwarves don't do an awful lot of fighting. I am no longer surprised that they lost their kingdom to a dragon, I'm only surprised that they ever had their own kingdom to begin with. Seriously, they're a bunch of inept, incompetent braggarts who would have killed on day one of the quest by falling from their horses had Gandalf not been there to help them keep their balance. At least that's how it's coming across. 

I have a little more respect for Bilbo after his escape in the last chapter and while Gandalf is still a manipulative bastard, at least he's  on the right side, the dwarves on the other hand... My god are they annoying!

And the real shame is, I want to like them! Aside from 2 actors I fancy the pants off, they have some great character actors cast as dwarves too, like Ken Stott (who plays Rebus which is set in Edinburgh and written by an Edinburger, so I'm naturally inclined to root for him) and James Nesbitt, who it would be impossible not to like with his cheeky chappy persona. I really really hope that the film has simply taken it's general premise from the book and actually manages to turn the dwarves into something other than blustering, blundering buffoons. 

So, back to the book. Our questers are now fed, getting rest and out of the horrible mountains where danger lurks around every corner (no seriously, it lurks around every single corner!). So what's next for them?

Despite this being a quest with a nifty map, we have no inkling of what's coming next. Not once have they sat around a fire and given any thought to the next stage of the journey or even the next day! I'm starting to think that Tolkien had no idea of where this story was going when he started writing it, which is forgiveable. Not going back and foreshadowing some of these events once he'd finished is not forgiveable. This books feels more like a random collection of events rather than a journey.

The Hobbit Read-Along, Chapter Five

Previous chapters: Intro | Ch1 | Ch2 | Ch3 | Ch4 |

Bilbo meets Gollum. A strange chapter compared to the others but the most compelling so far.

It's not a long chapter so I don't have an awful lot to say about this one.

Waking up alone after his fall (he was on Dori's back when he fell) Bilbo first finds a ring then meets Gollum. Gollum wants to eat Bilbo but he wants a little chat first; as you do. Quite by chance, by the time Gollum is hungry and beginning to suspect that Bilbo has found his lost ring, Bilbo slips it on his finger and realises he is invisible, which he uses to help him hide from Gollum and eventually to pass the goblins and escape the tunnels.

I enjoyed seeing one of the characters use his wits (and a bit of blind luck) to escape peril rather than Gandalf simply swooping in and saving the day. I hope there will be more of this kind of action to come.

Gollum came across as a lot more sympathetic than I previously imagined. I mean, we all know why he's like he is and what he was before (though this book hasn't said. Well, it hasn't said yet, I don't know if someone will fill in the pieces later on) his situation is all of his own making but he's just such a pathetic creature. He reminds me of an addict, repeating unhealthy behaviour, knowing it is bad for him but completely unable to stop himself. Had I not seen the Ring's trilogy I might hope that he had hit his rock bottom and start to recover (especially now that Bilbo has possession of his addiction, the ring) but alas I know that is a false hope.

I'm curious now to continue the book. I want to know more about Gollum (I only remember vague details) and what happened to the dwarves. And how they're ever going to find each other again!

The Hobbit Read-Along, Chapter Four

Previous chapters: Intro | Ch1 | Ch2 | Ch3 |

JRR Tolken seems to do an awful lot of telling and not very much showing. As a writer I know this is a cardinal sin. I mean we all do it but we also know that we're not supposed to and so we cut it down as much as possible. I don't recall ever reading any book that 'tells' me quite so much while actually showing me so very little. As I mentioned in the last chapter with the interactions between the dwarves and elves, sometimes what I am being shown directly contradicts what I have been told!

I'm quite expecting that fairly soon I will be shown Thorin's strong chin, even though I have been told he has a long beard and so I couldn't possibly see his chin.

Having been told 3 times how dangerous this path through the mountains is (and chapter 4 begins with a few more warnings) I'm just thinking it's all just a bunch of silly superstitions and that there actually is nothing evil lurking just off the beaten path when we meet some goblins.

Like the dwarves and elves, goblins also sing, which for some reason makes them far less menacing despite the lyrics being liberally sprinkled with words such as 'boom', 'bang' and 'crash'.

Surprisingly, despite Thorin having a sword, the orcrist, which was used to 'cleave and kill' goblins, he doesn't use it. As far as I can see, no one even puts up a fight. Except Gandalf, who once again saves the day and rescues them. It strikes me that the dwarves and the hobbit are just slowing him down!

The goblins give chase to our questers but are sent running and shrieking by the sight of the orcrist and Gandalf's sword, the glamdring. Reminds me of playground bullies stealing some poor kids lunch then running scared when the kids fight back.

Unfortunately the goblins aren't giving up yet; they regroup and after donning some magic slippers that make them silent, give chase to the dwarves and take down Dori and Bilbo who are at the rear of the party!

They can't take down Dori! Thanks to an uncanny resemblance to my Dad, he's the only dwarf I have any kind of affinity for at the moment!

The Hobbit Read-Along, Chapter Three

Before we start on Chapter Three, I must direct our attention to the picture on the right (click to enlarge) a reaction on twitter to the hobbit trailer. There really isn't enough fail in the world!

Previous chapters: Introduction | Ch1 | Ch2 |

"O!" said Bilbo, and just at that moment he felt more fared than he ever remembered feeling before. He was thinking once again of his comfortable chair before the fire in his favourite sitting-room in his hobbit-hole, and of the kettle singing. Not for the last time!

Poor old Bilbo thinks many things “not for the last time”.

Not long after, Gandalf says

"Also it is very necessary to tackle the Misty Mountains by the proper path, or else you will get lost in them, and have to come back and start at the beginning again (if you ever get back at all)."

Um, why? I was under the impression that people could just turn and head in the direction of a path and come across it once again. What is it about these mountains means that you cant walk sideways and can only trace and retrace your own steps? See, this is exactly the sort of nonsensical thing you find in pure fantasy books which irks me and throws me out of the story! I call them 'WTF?' moments.

Next they stay with some elves, who we are told dwarves don't like. Nevertheless, there doesn't seem to be any animosity between then, no dwarf even questions the decision to stay at an elves home, nor do the elves show any doubts over paying host to dwarves. I'm not quite sure why we were told of the animosity when we were then shown that there isn't any.

The elves also tell them that the sword Thorin took from the trolls hoard is a Orcrist. For some reason I don't know, this seems to be important. The elves also discover some additional writing on their map. The writing may be important as it says that the hidden entrance in the mountain that was once home to the dwarves can only be found on one day a year, the dwarves new year to be exact. Sadly the dwarves are no longer able to tell when this falls.

"The first day of the dwarves' New Year," said Thorin, "is as all should know the first day of the last moon of Autumn on the threshold of Winter. We still call it Durin's Day when the last moon of Autumn and the sun are in the sky together. But this will not help us much, I fear, for it passes our skill in these days to guess when such a time will come again."

Really? REALLY? Cos our human ancestors had no trouble telling the time of the year, in fact many of our celebrations were centred around specific days and changes in the seasons. While I have a handy calendar these days, it surely can't be that hard if our ancestors could tell the day and date without even so much as a compass to help them!

Finally after 2 weeks of rest and not doing much (so we are told) as though to prove that there is no animosity between dwarves and elves, the elves restock the dwarves supplies, give them handy bags to carry everything in and then the dwarves, Bilbo and Gandalf continue on their way.