Marketing Tips for Indie Writers

Since marketing and sales tips are what I get asked for most frequently, here is my advice. 

As mentioned in my unrealistic expectations post, none of this will turn your book into an "overnight success" but if used wisely, it will help you build sales over time.

These are generally ranked in order of importance, most to least.

First of all, your Amazon (or other sales) page is essentially one big advert, so make it the best it can be. Have a quality product so that the look inside feature doesn't turn potential readers off (hire an editor or proofreader if you need to). Be certain that the cover is the best it can be since this is what will tempt most readers to click on your page in th first place. Work and re-work your blurb until it is short, professional, interesting and most importantly, will make potential readers want to know more. And please do your best to make sure there are no errors on your page and in the blurb; we're only human but it can turn readers off.

Secondly, write another good book. The more books you have out there, the more chance you have of someone discovering one of your books and if they like it, they might well check out your other books too. Associated sales can make up a large chunk of your income.

Third, promotion never stops. I have reached the point where I make bestseller lists (and fingers crossed that it continues) but I still tweet excepts of good reviews, link to them on facebook, join relevant groups on FB, post promo tweets under the existing book hashtags (such as #SampleSunday and #WeekendReads). I post chapter one of a new book to my blog as a sample, with links to buy at the end. My website has a mailing list option so readers can sigh up for updates. 

I did used to make good use of the free option on the KDP Select program (and probably will in the future too). By that I mean that you need to promote that it's free. Contact kindle freebie blogs, twitter freebie accounts (a common tag is #freeebooks), post it to facebook voucher/coupon groups, general freebie/coupon/voucher websites. The more free downloads you get, the better the word of mouth will be and the more reviews and word of mouth sales you might get. 

I think it was freebies that got me the readership that I needed to make it to the best seller lists

Next, contact forums, blogs and groups in your genre and ask them to mention or review your book. 

DON'T SPAM! To be sure that you aren't considered spam, contact the admins and ask if you can post a promotion for your book, or ask them to consider posting a link to your book. If there is no admin, post and ask other members if it's allowed. I sent a private message to one FB group owner who had a historical western group and asked "would you consider" my book (but I didn't say in what capacity she should consider it). She came back and said they didn't do reviews any more but would post a link for me, for which I thanked her. 

Don't become a pest! The golden rules for promotion are-
1) Ask (unless its twitter or your own FB page)
2) Post 1 maybe 2 links or posts 
3) Then leave it be. If you make a nuisance of yourself you will turn potential readers off.

These next tips are the ones i believe are least effective, as least for me.

If you have any contacts in the local press, ask them if they can run a story on you, or get their book reviewer to read your stuff. If you have an interesting or unique story, contact local papers (or even national newspapers if your story is interesting enough) the worst they can say is no.

Enroll some paperback copies (if you have them) into BookCrossing or similar and "set them free". 

If you do have paperbacks, contact local shops that specialize in your genre, or small independent book shops, and ask if you can do a reading for them, or even if they will consider stocking your book. if it's only on Kindle, have some posters or leaflets printed and ask if you can leave them in the shops. 

Marketing opportunities are endless but they are also time consuming, so direct your efforts to where you believe they will bring you the most return. 

Things that will NOT work
1) Publishing your book and not promoting it
2) Press releases. Just don't waste your time
3) Paid for advertising, online or in print
4) Blogs. I don't know that my blog posts here has got me a single sale. My chapter excerpts have (I can see by the link stats) and some readers like the additional info on my books that I post here, although by then they have generally bought and read the book. In my humble opinion, general blog posts just don't give you the necessary return for the effort required. 
5) Blog tours. As above, they just dont give the returns you need for the effort (and cost) you put in.
6) Book trailers. 

And finally a bone of contention, reviews.

Many people will tell you that you need good reviews to succeed. I disagree. Reviews might help some readers decide but my last 3 books reached the top 10, without a single review on their pages for up to 2 weeks. For some of my books, I've been unlucky enough to have a 1 star as my first review, yet sales didn't die off (although they may have dipped for a time). 

The truth is, most people aren't used to having ample access to book reviews, they're used to walking into a book shop, browsing and then buying the books with the blurbs that most appealed to them. Amazon and book review sites have been around for perhaps 15 years and popular for perhaps 10 years, but the majority of readers have been uing book shops for decades longer than that. Over time it may change and people might put more stock in reviews but for the moment, no or negative reviews haven't affected my sales. 

The next point is your books rating. Mine go between 3 and 4.8 stars on Amazon and honestly, the 3 star books sell better than the 4+ star books and the 4+ star books are usually my earlier works, which I know aren't as good as my newer, lower rated books. My best rated book with 4.8 stars is hands down my worst seller. I get maybe 4 sales a month on that one, maximum, despite it only having 4 and 5 star reviews. 

What have I learned from this? That not all 5 star reads are good quality and that not everyone wants a quality read; many readers out there just want a little escapist entertainment. 

Thats the reason why so many big budget films follow a formula, why formulaic TV shows are consistently watched and why (in the UK) our soap operas are consistently in out top 10 programs. People want to watch something they're comfortable with, or that they know has a happy ending, or that wont require taking notes to keep track, nor move so slowly that they are inclined to nod off. 

People want to be entertained but not necessarily (or certainly not always) made to think or concentrate too hard.  Tell a good story and some people will like your book. 

Some people will hate it too. Have you loved every film or TV show that you've ever watched and every book that you've ever read? Even if you love police procedurals, that doesn't mean that you will automatically love or like every police procedural? Does that mean that the ones you don't like are inherently bad, or just that they aren't to your personal taste? 

Sadly your book wont be to everyone's taste and some of those people will slate it in reviews. I once heard of a reader however, who bought a book based only on a one star review. Among other things, the reviewer gave it one star because didn't like all the sex in the book, but the reader thought that lots of sex sounded just up her alley. 

So even negative reviews can help your book sales and I think that most people know that on sites like Amazon and Goodreads, reviews are just opinions and opinions are like arseholes; everybody has one and some of them stink.

So that's my advice on how to make sales but a final word of caution. Use your time judiciously. 

You can literally spend weeks marketing your book but on the whole, that time is often better spent writing a new book. The more books you have, the greater chance you have of one of your books appealing to a potential reader. If they like one book, a lot of readers will look through your other books. 

So always consider the time requirements of a marketing attempt before you embark on it. Visiting book shops for example, is very time consuming and not likley to give a big (if any) pay off.

Unrealistic Expectations and a Voice of Reason

I never fail to be amazed by the numbers of people who have completely unrealistic expectations when they self-publish a book. 

You know of all those "overnight successes" you've read about? Chances are they put 10 or more years of hard graft into their writing careers BEFORE they became an "overnight success". 

I like to think of it like this. No matter your age, if you changed careers, say from I.T. to insurance underwriting, would you honestly expect to become CEO or COO overnight? Or even just a Director or department head? Hell NO! You would expect to put in years of service, take professional exams where necessary, work hard, do well and slowly get promoted through the ranks. 

Why when it comes to being an author, does this common sense go out of the window? 

Then again, starting a new business is probably more like self publishing than being employed, so say you start a clothes designing business. Would you honestly expect to rival Gucci, Prada, or even Primark, overnight? NO! No matter how talented a dress designer you are, you would expect to build your business and your brand slowly, proving your talent, growing your customer base and maybe one day, you will be a respected brand in the fashion industry. 

You might consider coming up with a business plan and even researching your new business. 

So why does everyone expect to write one book and with little time, research or marketing efforts, become an overnight success? 

The first female jockey

In the Lady and the Cowboy, set in Texas circa 1882, I use a female jockey. I can say much more without spoiling parts of the book but I wanted to share my research with you. 

First of all I wondered if women might be banned from the sport, after all, women were banned from many professions in the Victorian era. I could find nothing prohibiting it at that time, then I hit upon Eliza Carpenter, who was extraordinary for many reasons, not least of which is that she was a former slave turned racehorse owner, and she would ride her own horses when she was unhappy with her jockeys performance! 

Sadly details of her life are few and far between, with everything online basically being copied from or to her brief Wikipedia entry. 

I did however, find her obituary from the The Baltimore Afro-American (below the cut). Sadly she was thrown from wagon in 1924 and hit her head. She never recovered from the in injury and died a few months later.

She lived a long life however, being 73 at the time of her death and I think you will agree, she was a truly remarkable woman. 

To reach chapter one of the Lady and the Cowboy, click here. 

The Lady and the Cowboy, Chapter One

Time for another sample, this time, The Lady and the Cowboy. Fingers crossed that it's my second best seller! (please God?)

Book Blurb: When Lady Ruth Adams inherits a share in a Texan horse ranch, she thinks it could be the beginning of a whole new life for her and ignoring her family’s misgivings, she sets sail for America. When she inadvertently argues with her new business partner on her first day though, things don’t look hopeful. 

Sam Wakefield doesn’t know what to make of the refined and timid woman who now shares his house along with his mother. What he does know, is that he much prefers the firebrand who confronted him the first time they met, and he can’t help antagonising Ruth in the hope that she’ll resurface.

Ruth is just about ready to give up on her dream when her beloved horse, Angel, arrives from England and Sam realises that they may have more in common that he thought. Angel could prove to be the key in reviving his dreams of one day breeding racehorses, while the one place that Ruth isn’t timid, is in the saddle.

As they come to trust each other, Sam teaches her about ranch life and love but someone else has their eye on the Wakefield Ranch, someone who could ruin everything for them.

The Last Duel

Without revealing too much detail, there is a duel in Degrees of Hope and I thought that you might like to see my inspiration for the outcome of that case, which loosely is based on events which are widely called England's Last Duel.

 It wasn't actually the last duel, that occurred in 1852 at Old Windsor, but both participants in that duel were French, not English, which is probably why the 1845 Gosport duel is considered to be the last (between English men, at least).

The 1845 duel occurred between Captain Alexander Seton and Lieutenant Henry Hawkey.

Although both men were married, Seton had something of a roving eye and found Mrs Hawkey to be rather charming. He showered her with gifts which, although Mrs Hakey refused them, caused a lot of gossip among their peers, until finally Lieutenant Hawkey forbid Seton and his wife from seeing each other.

All was well until one musical evening, when Mrs Hawkey agreed to dance a set of quadrilles with Seton.

Incensed, Lieutenant Hawkey confronted Seton and they had a heated argument. It took a great deal of insults, threats to horsewhip Seton and finally a kick from Hawkey, until finally Seton accepted the challenge of a duel.

Browndown, where the duel took place

On the 2th of May 1945 they met up at Browndown, a secluded common in Gosport, to duel with pistols.

Seton fired but missed and Hawkey's gun refused to fire. Hawkey demanded second shot. Seton again missed but Hawkey didn't and the bullet entered at right hip bone, and exited at the left groin.

Seton bled profusely and two surgeons were called to try and stop the bleeding but they weren't very successful.A third surgeon as called and finally it was decided that they would have to operate on Seton to tie off the Illiac Artery.

Mr. Liston, a respected London surgeon, was then sent for and he succeeded in stopping the bleeding, though Seton's stout form was said to have made the operation difficult.

All was well until Seton developed what was thought to be blood poisoning and died. An inquest was held and the Jury's verdict was...

"We find that the immediate cause of the death of the deceased James Alexander Seton was the result of a surgical operation, rendered imperatively necessary by the imminent danger in which he was placed, by the infliction of a gun shot wound which he received on the 20th of May last, in a duel with Lieut. Henry Charles Moorhead Hawkey, of the Royal Marines.

"We therefore find a verdict of wilful murder against the said Lieut. Henry Charles Moorhead Hawkey and Lieut. Pym, as well as all the parties concerned in the duel."

Arrest warrants were duly written out but Hawkey had fled to France following the duel, and didn't return until 1846.

At his trial the defence counsel, Mr. Cockburn, hit upon an ingenious defence. 
 

He argued that the wound produced by the pistol bullet was not the cause of death, that the efforts of the medical man who first attended the deceased, and who had stayed the bleeding with ice,
pressure, and compresses, would have saved the life of the deceased, had not the operation for tying the iliac been resorted to.

Consequently, Cockburn argued, death was the result rather the result of a meddlesome operation than of the wound inflicted by the pistol bullet in the first place.

The powerful appeal of the counsel, and the knowledge that Hawkey had received much provocation, evidently had its weight with the jury, who returned a verdict of: "Not guilty."

So that is the story of Britain's "Last Duel" and the inspiration for the defence used in Degrees of Hope.

I hasten to add that I did not use the same defence as Hawkey, but the trial did give me a framework to work with

 Quotes are taken from the Now Portsmouth website, where you can also find more detail on this duel.

Images come from A Matter of Honour website, book about this duel. 

How to Defeat a Dragon

Do you know Smaug the dragon's one weakness? Well, his other weakness then? It's reviews.

Smaug absolutely loathes reviews, hates them with a fiery passion (especially positive ones). So much so, they make him bang his head against walls and tear his armoured scales off!

What's the up shot of this? If you want to help Thorin, Bilbo and company defeat Smaug the dragon, please leave me a review!

Okay, so I may have a slight case of Hobbit fever. Sue me! ;)

If the rest of this post doesn't interest you, please skip to the gratuitous Hobbit pic spam below.

Seriously though, reviews are one of a writers best selling tools, but the biggest and best site for reviews (Amazon) appears to have put a rather overzealous commuter program to use, trying to weed out untrue reviews. A few examples are the ones authors (such as John Locke) pay to be written, those left by friends, family and (as hit the newspapers headlines his year) author sock-puppet accounts. Quite how this program works, no one knows because Amazon won't tell. I can't even begin to fathom how you can tell which reviews were paid for and which weren't. From what I can gather though, reviews from people who live in the same genera zipcode/postcode area as the author, seem to be classified as friends of the author and bahleted with prejudice.

Exclusive Preview! 3 chapters of Degrees of Hope

In preparation for it's release on Wednesday the28th of November, this #SampleSunday brings you an exclusive sneak peek at the first three chapters of my new novel, Degrees of Hope.

What's the book about?

At 23 years old, Lady Hope Beaumont's wild and independent ways, make her quite unladylike in the opinion of many people. However her beauty, the fact that she is the daughter of the Earl of Marchwood, not to mention her fortune, still makes her an appealing marriage prospect for some.

Newlyweds, Honoria and Malcolm Arundell, have just moved to Marchwood and quickly befriend the Beaumonts but it soon becomes clear to most that their marriage is a far from happy one and when the true extent of Malcolm's cruelty is revealed, Hope helps Honoria to escape. Her disappearance however, has unforeseen and far reaching consequences for everyone at Marchwood Hall.

When Honoria's brother discovers the truth about his sister's marriage, he goads Malcolm into an illegal duel. Before events are settled there will be a murder trial, unlikely friendships will be forged and amidst this chaotic backdrop, new love will blossom.

With a perfect mix of romance, suspense and sumptuous Victorian elegance, Degrees of Hope will keep you turning pages and leave you wanting more.

Northern Light, Chapter One

Another day, another Sample Sunday!

Book Blurb: Sometimes described as the female Dickens, Elizabeth Gaskell's classic novel, North and South, dealt with issues of class, feminism, social reform and the plight of the working classes, entwining those themes seamlessly with a timeless romance between Margaret Hale and John Thornton. Northern Light is a continuation of that novel which sees John and Margaret embarking on their lives together whilst working to improve the lives of their work force.

With the threat of another strike, a series of bad mill accidents, a lethal fire and failed speculation, life in Milton is not easy for anyone and it won't be long before the mill masters and their workers clash once more, with devastating consequences.

Getting married and starting a family is difficult enough at the best of times but for John and Margaret, married life will present unique challenges and despite the reforms they are making, even they will not escape Milton's troubles unscathed.

Past Due, Chapter One

Bertena Varney, sociology professor and author of Lure of the Vampire: A Pop Culture Reference Book, recently reviewed Past Due for The Examiner and awarded it 5 stars. Read her review here.

Right now, it's time for another #SampleSunday. I hope you enjoy this excerpt of Past Due.

Book Blurb: Francis 'Frankie' Wright thought she was an old hat at dealing with the supernatural, until she was reassigned to Edinburgh, the most haunted city in the world.

Her latest case soon takes a deadly turn. Young women are being slain in satanic rituals and it's up to Frankie to find the murderer before he kills again.

Frankie must juggle vampires, shapeshifters, witches and zombies, all the while trying to keep the truth from her sceptical ex-boyfriend, Will Campbell, who just happens to be heading up the police investigation.

The clock is ticking and she soon finds herself forced to team up with the vampires and shapeshifters in order to stop the killer before he can literally unleash hell on earth.

Chapter One

Francis Wright took one last look over her shoulder to be sure no one was watching, then deftly picked the door lock. Thirty seconds later she closed the door behind her, safe inside the apartment. It wasn’t that she was a master lock picker that gave her such speed, merely the right equipment.

Should she be caught carrying a locksmiths tools without a locksmiths licence there would be awkward questions, but Frankie was certain she’d never face any consequences.

She felt along the wall until she found the light switch, and then headed deeper into the apartment. The fact she’d had to come at night made stealth both harder, in that she needed to use lights at all, and easier in that there were fewer people around to see. She’d long ago learnt that using a home’s own lights drew a lot less attention than a flickering torchlight.

The body had been moved but it was easy to see where it had lain, just inside the doorway to the living room. There were no helpful chalk outlines but the large pool of blood suggested that whoever had fallen there, had not walked away under their own steam.

She sighed and pushed a gloved hand through her dark hair.

“Sometimes I hate this job,” she muttered. She knelt down beside the largest blood stain and pulled one of her leather gloves off. She rested her palm gently against the carpet and closed her eyes. Images of the horrific death flashed through her mind and she gritted her teeth. The poor girl had died painfully, but at least it was quick. A small mercy.

She opened her eyes and removed her hand, swallowing down the residual pain and fear she was left with.

“Sometimes I really hate this job.” She stood up, whirling around as someone coughed behind her.

Welcome to the Zombie Apocalypse!

How to Train Your Zombie

Welcome to my latest release, How to Train Your Zombie.

So what's it all about? Well, I'm glad you asked me that. You see...

The Zombie war is in its final throes, when Meg's husband is bitten. She's lost so much already that she just can't face losing him too, so employing her skills as a dog trainer, she takes it upon herself to try and train him.

Not only must she face the dangers inherent in close contact with a zombie, she must also protect him from outside forces that mean him harm. Can she convince the handsome yet stern Colonel MacDonald that he deserves a chance? Can she stop him being used for vivisection? What about those who want to use him as bait for other zombies?

Join Meg during the final few months of the Zombie war, as she shares her at times gruesome, sad and darkly humorous story with us.

Richard Armitage, my inspiration for Colonel MacDonald

In a slight departure from my usual work, this novel is written in the first person, from our heroine, Meg's point of view.

Buy your copy now:

From Amazon UK
Or Amazon US

Paperback coming soon.

Try before you buy; read chapter one here.

Yeah, I know I said no more books last month, but that was last month! *sheepish grin*

Truthfully, I have no TV, so all those hours a night you spend watching Coronation Street and Watchdog and the like, I spend writing (or editing) because honestly? I have nothing else to do.

While we're on a zombie theme, let me share this little gem with you (below), Zombie Love Song by Your Favourite Martian. It's well worth a watch, trust me.

The Fascination of Magic (and other things that go bump in the night)

Voldemort and Harry

I've been reading some blogs and articles recently, about why we enjoy magic.

I like stories about magic. And horror stories, urban fantasy, speculative fiction, paranormal romance, the occult, fantastika etc. et al, ad infinitum.

The big question is, why?

No one else in my family shared this fascination, nor my desire to spend my free time immersed in vampires, ghosts and magic. Nor did any of my childhood friends. I was reading Dean Koontz then, my peers had never heard of him. Nor my English teacher, who declared horror books to be "pap" and so I wasn't allowed to do a book report on Hideaway. My interest has never been encouraged in the slightest, yet it continued to grow and prosper within me.

Why? I think the main reason is because the stories are just that, stories.

An American Werewolf in London

When I was 6 or 7 saw my first horror film, American Werewolf in London, which i think is rated 15 (possibly 18). Without parental permission, I must add. My sister (who is 5 years older) had nightmares; I slept like a baby.

I believe that a part of me has always known that those kinds of stories aren't real, and so I can simply enjoy the story without worring about a spell being cast on me, or a gremlin climbing in through my window at night (though that would be very cool) or Freddie Kruger hiding under my bed. Indeed, my favourite insomnia company is a horror film, because they keep you entertained, usually without requiring much effort on the viewers part.

I was also exposed to a lot of true crime movies in my childhood as my mother was a fan (still is). Now some of those films, even the PG rates ones, they terrified me.

The daughter in Small Sacrifices

There are some scenes that are seared into my brain to this day. A murdered wife being wrapped in carpet and dumped by the side of a road. The scene in Fatal Vision, where Gary Cole's* movements around his house could be tracked, long before the days of DNA, because his family all had different blood types. The Deliberate Stranger looking for victims at a lake and at the end of the day, a group of friends, frantically calling the name of their missing friend. A woman being stabbed in broad daylight, and no one lifting a finger to help her. Farrah Fawcett's** little girl, finally admitting the truth to herself by writing down the name of her attacker. (She was mute. And the attacker was her Mom).

My sister still claims that she cannot throw a pair of curtains open thanks to American Werewolf; she has to pull back one curtain, then the other, whereas I can't even remember that scene.

Damon Slavatore trying to escape an animal trap

Just today I saw Damon Salvatore trying to rip his hand out of an animal trap and it didn't bother me in the slightest. 127 hours though? I'm afraid to watch it because I know that suffering was real, and that someone actually endured what I'm seeing.

I think that real life is hard enough. I don't want to spend my leisure time immersed in real suffering and unimaginable cruelty that will haunt me. I'll stick to pretend bogeymen, thank you, because deep down, they don't frighten me at all.

So are you a fan of the fantastic? If so, what draw does it hold for you.


* I would like to add that Gary Cole was the actor playing the murderer and did not actually kill his own family
** Same for Farrah Fawcett, she played the murderous mom.

Bemused!

Welcome, Ladies and Gentlemen to my newest offering, Bemused!

When self-made property developer, Niall, is attacked by vampires on his way home, his neat and ordered life soon begins to fall apart. His rescuer, the effervescent Mel, declares herself to be his Muse - better known in modern times as a Guardian Angel - and offers him a business proposition; she wants them to go into business as supernatural detectives.

Slightly sceptical to say the least, Niall eventually agrees to try working one case with her - helped in no small part by his rather strong attraction to Mel.

Mrs Hart's house has been plagued by a series of deadly and unexplainable events, culminating in the death of a local boy. As they look into possible causes, Niall finds himself growing even more fond of Mel, although she seems determined to keep him at arm's length.

He discovers why she she is so reticent but that is soon overshadowed by the cause of Mrs Hart's problems; a foe so powerful that even the immortal Mel seems terrified!

This is hopefully the start of a new series about the adventures of Niall and Mel. It's a slight departure from my usual fair of vampire books and historical romances, it's lighter and a wee bit fluffier than a lot of my stuff, but I hope you enjoy it.

Available from Amazon UK and Amazon US

Paperback coming soon!

And that's your lot for a while. Seriously, that's three books this year and it's only the 12th of March! I need a break!

The Hobbit Read-Along, Chapter Nineteen

Previous chapters: Intro | Ch1 | Ch2 | Ch3 | Ch4 | Ch5 | Ch6 | Ch7 | Ch8 | Ch9 | Ch10 | Ch11

Ch12 | Ch13 | Ch14 | Ch15 | Ch16 | Ch17 | Ch18

The complete Hobbit cast. Okay, the 15 main protagonists. Okay, the 15 protagonists who go to reclaim Erebor.

Bilbo and Gandalf make their way home, stopping to visit those who had taken them in on the way to the Lonley Mountain. If there were adventures (and we are assured there were) we do not get to hear of them.

Finally Bilbo arrives home to find his possessions being auctioned off as the villagers think he's dead. He's upset to find his stuff being sold and has to buy most of it back. I'm not sure what this detail adds to the story or why it was included. It's a bit like John McClane stopping the terrorists and arriving home to find his house had been knocked down by an earthquake. 

But he's happy and content. Years later, Galdalf and Balin visit Bilbo while he's writing his memoirs and they tell him that all is well in the Lonely Mountain too.

“They fell to talking of their times together, of course, and Bilbo asked how things were going in the lands of the Mountain. It seemed they were going very well. Bard had rebuilt the town in Dale and men had gathered to him from the Lake and from South and West, and all the valley had become tilled again and rich, and the desolation was now filled with birds and blossoms in spring and fruit and feasting in autumn. And Lake-town was refounded and was more prosperous than ever, and much wealth went up and down the Running River; and there was friendship in those parts between elves and dwarves and men.”

So a happy ending for most.

Overall the book is badly paced and far too limited in it's point of view. Are we to assume the Narrator is Bilbo and this is why our perspective is so limited? Perhaps, though it is never stated. If Bilbo is the narrator, it explains why we learned so little about the final battle after Bilbo is knocked out, it doesn't explain though, how Bilbo knew such detail about the dragon's attack on Lake-town, since he also wasn't there for it. If he asked for that information to include it in such detail in his memoirs, then why didn't he ask about what happened in the battle? Why gloss over the biggest fight in the whole book?

And what of our questers; we still know next to nothing about them. A few lines of back story in a few cases, such as Thorin and Bilbo, but overall not much at all. They seem like stereotypes, all behaving as a dwarf, elf, hobbit etc. should, rather then becoming people in their own right. Even Bilbo. All we know is that his mothers family had an adventurous side, we learn very little of just how and why he is brave and cowardly in equal measure, he simply is and we must accept that.

The characters are little more than caricatures and I am still none the wiser as to their motivation on the whole.

I would like someone to explain to me how Thorin dying made him a good person. Many died that day and all his dying proves is that Thorin was not a coward (unlike Bilbo). I still do not know who Thorin was, nor any of the other dwarves. Even Bilbo; one might think he had been changed by his adventures, however it seems that he is now perfectly content to go back to the small, quiet little life that he had before.

I must also note that we have made it through the entire book with only two female characters even being mentioned in passing. Not an eagle, wolf, hobbit, dwarf, goblin, elf or man having a single woman feature among their number. I assume they exist since two have been mentioned but clearly they do not merit an acknowledgement.

Actually I'm glad for that.

JRR Tolken was raised during the women's suffrage movement and after much struggle, torture, imprisonment, assault and suffering, often for nothing more than standing up and daring to ask when women would get the vote, they finally succeeded in 1928, nine years before this book was written. He could not in any way shape or form have missed the suffrage movement and the courage and sacrifice of it's members.

While writing these blogs I have heard a lot of people excuse Tolken's weaknesses because he wrote The Hobbit as a story for his children, not for commercial success. Okay, fine, but he had a daughter born in 1929, making her 8 when this book was published. Did he write this story only for his sons? If not, why didn't he want to include a role model for his daughter, or even just a single female character that she could relate to?

I tend to believe that only the most ardent of misogynists would completely ignore an entire gender and it seems obvious to me that JRR Tolken had no use for women, beyond being a wife and mother. If you require more proof of this, the only two women mentioned were as mothers to the protagonists. One doesn't even merit a name, just sister of Thorin, mother of Fili and Kili. That poor nameless woman lost her brother and two sons in a single day!

Therefore I am glad that Tolkien chose to ignore women for had he included them, they would surely be pale, meek and most likely little more than slaves at worst or drudges at best. If that is to be our depiction, then I would rather have no depiction at all.

The great thing with fantasy is that anything is possible, even things that need no explanation, so why do so many fantasy writers want to ignore us or enslave us? In other words, go back to when we were repressed rather than looking forward to the day when true equality or even superiority (it is fantasy, after all) is possible?

This has been an interesting experience and the book is mildly entertaining, but I have no desire to ever read it again. I do have a desire to learn more about these two dimensional characters, to know why they act as they do, what their internal dialogue is, and I hope that the movie will fill in some of those gaping holes. The two and a half minute trailer certainly gives the characters more depth that this entire book has done so that gives me hope. 

 Will I watch the movie? Maybe. At least it can't be any worse than the book!

The Hobbit Trailer

The Hobbit Read-Along, Chapter Eighteen

Previous chapters: Intro | Ch1 | Ch2 | Ch3 | Ch4 | Ch5 | Ch6 | Ch7 | Ch8 | Ch9 | Ch10 | Ch11

Ch12 | Ch13 | Ch14 | Ch15 | Ch16 | Ch17

When Bilbo awakes after the battle is over and no goblins remain. Rather anticlimactic after the build up of our questers being in a hopeless situation. I guess we're going to be told how it ended rather than shown. *sigh*

Bilbo is taken to Thorin who is dying of his wounds and wants to make peace with the hobbit first. 

"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world. But sad or merry, I must leave it now. Farewell!" [Thorins final words.]

Bilbo leaves and has a good cry. 

So the only dwarf  that we really got to know realises his wrongs for exactly two paragraphs, finally grows as a character, becomes a better person, only to die in the next paragraph.

The narrator then deigns to tell us some of what happened since Bilbo was knocked out. Considering what excruciating detail the first chapter was described in, I'm a little sore that the battle has simply been glossed over. I think I would have preferred to know less about a hobbit home and more about how the dwarves, elves and men united and finally won.

The eagles and Beorn (the shapeshifter) turned the tide. Gandalf seemingly was just sitting quietly since he doesn't seem to have figured in the victory at all, though a sling on his arm means that he wasn't totally idle but we don't know what he did or why his arm in injured.

Fili and Kili also died protecting their uncle but the other 10 dwarves survived. We learn nothing of the 10. Did they learn a lesson? Are they better people after the quest? Do they miss Thorin, Fili and Kili? Do they even care? We don't know because we aren't told. 

Dain, is the new king of the dwarves but all we know about him is that he is Thorin's kin and that he led the dwarf party from the Iron Hills to help the other dwarves. It would have been nice if whatever dwarf took over the kingdom was one that we knew a little something about, perhaps even someone who had been on the quest and who we could have seen grow and develop into the leader he would need to be. 

You're right, that probably is asking a lot.

So first we had the huge built up to the mountain and it's dragon, only for the dwarves to do nothing and the dragon to be killed with a single arrow from Bard. Now we have a second build up to an epic battle, only to be told about how it was won rather than seeing it for ourselves.

Right now the whole book feels like one giant anticlimax.

The Hobbit Read-Along, Chapter Seventeen

Previous chapters: Intro | Ch1 | Ch2 | Ch3 | Ch4 | Ch5 | Ch6 | Ch7 | Ch8 | Ch9 | Ch10 | Ch11

Ch12 | Ch13 | Ch14 | Ch15 | Ch16

The next day the lake-men and elves seek another audience with Thorin, but this time are perfectly happy to lay down their arms before approaching... Um, why didn't they just do that in the beginning?

The elf king is still there though and so Thorin refuses to talk. Well he did keep them prisoner for weeks when he had no right to, I'm not sure I'd be keen to open a dialogue with him.

Bard then shows Thorin that he has the arkenstone and asks what he will give for it. Thorin is floored and calls them thieves for stealing his heirloom. Bilbo admits he gave it to them as he took it to be his 14^th share of the hoard. (yeah, cos Throin didn't repeatedly say that they can take what they want except the arkenstone!)

Gandalf reveals himself in time to stop Thorin tossing Bilbo off the mountain.

Disgusted, Thorin tells Bilbo to join the lake-men and elves and offers them a 14^th of the gold and silver (what would have been Bilbo's share) in exchange for the arkenstone.

Gandalf tells Thorin that he is not making a good impression as the new King Under the Mountain but that things may change.

Everyone departs vowing to return tomorrow for their share of the treasure at which time they will hand over the arkenstone.

Some of the dwarves are sorry that Bilbo has been kicked out but Thorin is considering using his other kin who are on their way to recapture the arkenstone and double cross the elves and lake-people.

Not a very nice thing to do, a gentleman's word should be his bond. I think the gold has gone to his head. 

Actually the gold has gone to everyone's head and Bilbo and Gandalf are the only characters I can stand right now.  

Undeniably, Bard did something very heroic  in staying the dragon but his heroic image is seriously tarnished by then demanding gold as payment.  Did St George demand money after he slayed the dragon? I don't think so!


The men can ask, certainly, but to demand? And to demant that your friends, the elves, also get some when they did NOTHING to deserve it? Why are the elves even here, they have no claim on this gold. They offered no assistance to the dwarves or men and nor did they slay any bad-guys.


And not only are the dwarves steadfastly refusing said demands, they are now thinking of double-crossing the men and elves? 


It's all very childish, like kids fighting in the playground over a new toy! 

The first part of this chapter can be summed up very easily. "It's mine," "No, it's mine!" "No, it's MINE!" "Gimme!" "No!" "MINE!" "MINE!!!" It's not appealing in the slightest.

Anyway, back to the story. Thorin then sends a crow to tell his kin of what has happened. The other dwarves finally  arrive 2 days later but instead of picking a fight they only want to pass to the mountain (Yay!) their rightful home but Bard won't let them until he has his gold ("It's mine!" "No it's mine!"). He sends someone to the gate only to be met with arrows and while the bard and elven king are debating what to do, the dwarves attack!

Thorin unites the armies

Just as the battle begins Gandalf steps between the parties and cries for then to stop. A swarm of bats distracts them and they do stop, then Gandalf tells them that the Goblins and wolves are nearly here.

And so the elves, men and dwarves unite to fight against their universal foe, the goblins.

The good guys win for a while, then start to lose, then Thorin emerges from the mountain and nothing can touch him, apparently. He calls everyone to him and unites the three forces (really? Where did such powerful charisma come from exactly?) and for a time they win again. Finally though, outnumbered, they are surrounded by goblins and wolves.

Gandalf is sitting quietly so I think he must have something up his sleeve, then as the end is near, Bilbo (who has put his ring on and is safely hiding from the battle) spies eagles coming this way. At which point he is promptly knocked out.

I've got to say, the battle is fairly interesting, though so far not at all long.

With a big enough SFX budget, this battle could look epic on a big screen. I'm quietly confident that Peter Jackson has both the budget and the vision to pull it off.

The Hobbit Read-Along, Chapter Sixteen

Previous chapters: Intro | Ch1 | Ch2 | Ch3 | Ch4 | Ch5 | Ch6 | Ch7 | Ch8 | Ch9 | Ch10 | Ch11 

Ch12 | Ch13 | Ch14 | Ch15

Bilbo Baggins

Still under siege inside the mountain, Thorin searches for the Arkenstone but Bilbo isn't telling that he has it. Thorin's dwarf kin is now but 2 days away from the mountain with an army of 500.

Tired of this whole business, Bilbo sneaks out of the mountain and seeks an audience with Bard and the elvish king at which time he offers them the arkenstone, telling them that Thorin values it above all else, even a river of gold. He then heads back to the dwarves.

Gandalf stops him on his return and praises his actions but says there is trouble brewing that no one else is aware of. Bilbo makes it back into the mountain unseen and goes to sleep (to dream of eggs and bacon). I GET IT ALREADY! HOBBITS AND DWARVES LIKE FOOD! Please, leave the food out of it now unless it actually has some relevance to the plot.

Thorin Oakenshield

I somehow don't think Thorin is going to be happy about losing such a gem, not only in terms of it's value but it has sentimental value for him too. Me thinks poor Bilbo is in for a roasting when Thorin discovers his treachery.

Now, Thorin said he would talk terms but not until those outside laid down their arms and personally, I wouldn't talk to armed people either. Before you talk peace, it's normal to call a truce and not bring weapons to the negotiating table. Who responds to threats with acquiescence? Well, hobbits apparently.

I know this isn't exactly what I had in mind when I wrote my piece on chapter one, but my prediction has come true and one of the party had betrayed them. I think that makes Thorin Jesus rather than Bilbo.