Tuesday, 10 April 2012

Mason and Me - Life with a Teacup Dragon (6)


First outing.
During the glorious good weather we had the other week, we thought we'd try our first trip outside. There are a few things to remember when acclimatising your teacup dragon to new things.
1) They are very shy creatures. Try to find a bag, pocket or similar, so that they can still peek out but also feel safe.
2) Don't go anywhere loud or crowded.
3) When scared, they tend to flame. Make sure you have some oven gloves and a handy pocket fire extinguisher, just in case.
4) Don't wear anything too flammable (steer clear of the hairspray on days like this).
Mason's first time outside
So, with all this in mind, I put him in my shirt pocket and we headed to the park with the dogs (I thought that having the dogs around would make him feel more relaxed). The material on my shirt is thin enough that he could just about see through it, or he could peak out of the top of the pocket when he felt confident.
We settled on the grass for a while and when the park emptied out after lunch time, I took him out and he wandered on the grass for a while. He seems to like nature, though when he saw another person enter the park (like, 100 meters away) he gave me a few scratches as he desperately tried to get back into my pocket.
Still, all's well that ends well.

Previous Mason blogs : Intro | Feeding | Other Breeds | Oh Dear! | Tricks and more |


Welcome to the Zombie Apocalypse!

How to Train Your Zombie


Welcome to my latest release, How to Train Your Zombie.

So what's it all about? Well, I'm glad you asked me that. You see...

The Zombie war is in its final throes, when Meg's husband is bitten. She's lost so much already that she just can't face losing him too, so employing her skills as a dog trainer, she takes it upon herself to try and train him.

Not only must she face the dangers inherent in close contact with a zombie, she must also protect him from outside forces that mean him harm. Can she convince the handsome yet stern Colonel MacDonald that he deserves a chance? Can she stop him being used for vivisection? What about those who want to use him as bait for other zombies?

Join Meg during the final few months of the Zombie war, as she shares her at times gruesome, sad and darkly humorous story with us.
Richard Armitage, my inspiration for Colonel MacDonald

In a slight departure from my usual work, this novel is written in the first person, from our heroine, Meg's point of view.

Buy your copy now:
From Amazon UK
Or Amazon US

Paperback coming soon.

Try before you buy; read chapter one here.

Yeah, I know I said no more books last month, but that was last month! *sheepish grin*

Truthfully, I have no TV, so all those hours a night you spend watching Coronation Street and Watchdog and the like, I spend writing (or editing) because honestly? I have nothing else to do.

While we're on a zombie theme, let me share this little gem with you (below), Zombie Love Song by Your Favourite Martian. It's well worth a watch, trust me.


How to Train Your Zombie, Prologue, Chapters 1 & 2

Another Sunday, another sample.

Book Blurb: The zombie apocalypse, which has devastated the world, is in its final throes when Meg's husband is bitten. She has lost so much already that she simply can't face losing him too, so when it becomes apparent that he is about to join the ranks of the walking dead, she decides to employ her skills as a dog trainer and takes it upon herself to train him.

Not only must she face the dangers inherent in close contact with a zombie, she must also protect him from outside forces that mean him harm. Can she convince the handsome yet stern Colonel MacDonald that he deserves a chance? Can she stop him being used for vivisection? What about those who want to use him as bait for other zombies?

Join Meg during the final few months of the Zombie war, as she shares her, at times, gruesome, sad and darkly humorous story.

Prologue
Let me make one thing clear; I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist. I don't know shit about Freud, cognitive behaviours or Neuro-linguine programming, or whatever the hell it is. When I began this fool's quest, I had no noble intentions of proving anything about life, intelligence, the soul or any other quasi-philosophical crap.
I am a dog trainer. Not only that, I am a kick-arse dog trainer.
It just seemed clear to me that the zombies retained a basic intelligence. They knew what they wanted (food) and they could perform simple tasks (such as opening door handles). I reasoned that if they were capable of even rudimentary intelligence, they could become productive members of society. Perhaps they might even progress and gain intelligence, just as children grow and learn. They may never become Prime Minister (though sometimes I don't think they could do a worse job) but one day, I thought, it might be possible that they would be your checkout person at the local Tesco Extra.
And if you believe that load of bollocks, you'll believe anything.

Sunday, 8 April 2012

Bemused, Chapter One

It's sample Sunday on twitter, so please enjoy this sample of Bemused.

Book Blurb: When self-made property developer, Niall, is attacked by vampires on his way home, his neat and ordered life soon begins to fall apart. His rescuer, the effervescent Mel, declares herself to be his Muse - better known in modern times as a Guardian Angel - and offers him a business proposition; she wants them to go into business as supernatural detectives.

Slightly sceptical to say the least, Niall eventually agrees to work one case with her - helped in no small part by his rather strong attraction to Mel.

Mrs Hart's house has been plagued by a series of deadly and inexplicable events, culminating in the death of a local boy. As they look into possible causes, Niall finds himself growing even more fond of Mel, although she seems determined to keep him at arm's length.

He discovers why she she is so reticent but that is soon overshadowed by the cause of Mrs Hart's problems; a foe so powerful that even the immortal Mel seems terrified!


Tuesday, 3 April 2012

Mason and Me - Life with a Teacup Dragon (5)


Tricks and more!
Mason's creation!
Well, Mason had mastered toast, cupcakes and Victoria sponge! Our next challenge is... Barbecue! Of course it's still a little early in the year for that.
He also makes a mean latte. In fact, Mason gets more use than my hob and my microwave now! Talk about energy efficient; we're saving the world, one teacup dragon at a time! Still, he seems to enjoy it and he gets a mini marshmallow when he does well.
He's now just mastering holding what he's cooking and though his hands are small, he can just about manage a slice of toast. I was quite surprised to get up earlier this week to find that he'd managed to open the bread, get a plate out and cook it to perfection, all in time for me to come through. He's such a sweetheart!
Mason lighting my friends cigarette
He's a two months old now and fully house trained. He has a teeny litter box that he uses. When it's raining, the poor old dogs look quite envious of him!
I've taught him to sit on command, to shake hands and wings and to wink. But the coolest thing I've taught him is to light a cigarette. Yes, I know it's bad for you, but I'm a writer, we live on our nerves (well some of us). You still won't find a cooler lighter, and he lights candles and other things too.
He still hasn't learned to fly but he's a little young for that.

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Saturday, 31 March 2012

The Fascination of Magic (and other things that go bump in the night)


Voldemort and Harry
I've been reading some blogs and articles recently, about why we enjoy magic.

I like stories about magic. And horror stories, urban fantasy, speculative fiction, paranormal romance, the occult, fantastika etc. et al, ad infinitum.

The big question is, why?

No one else in my family shared this fascination, nor my desire to spend my free time immersed in vampires, ghosts and magic. Nor did any of my childhood friends. I was reading Dean Koontz then, my peers had never heard of him. Nor my English teacher, who declared horror books to be "pap" and so I wasn't allowed to do a book report on Hideaway. My interest has never been encouraged in the slightest, yet it continued to grow and prosper within me.

Why? I think the main reason is because the stories are just that, stories.

An American Werewolf in London
When I was 6 or 7 saw my first horror film, American Werewolf in London, which i think is rated 15 (possibly 18). Without parental permission, I must add. My sister (who is 5 years older) had nightmares; I slept like a baby.

I believe that a part of me has always known that those kinds of stories aren't real, and so I can simply enjoy the story without worring about a spell being cast on me, or a gremlin climbing in through my window at night (though that would be very cool) or Freddie Kruger hiding under my bed. Indeed, my favourite insomnia company is a horror film, because they keep you entertained, usually without requiring much effort on the viewers part.

I was also exposed to a lot of true crime movies in my childhood as my mother was a fan (still is). Now some of those films, even the PG rates ones, they terrified me.

The daughter in Small Sacrifices
There are some scenes that are seared into my brain to this day. A murdered wife being wrapped in carpet and dumped by the side of a road. The scene in Fatal Vision, where Gary Cole's* movements around his house could be tracked, long before the days of DNA, because his family all had different blood types. The Deliberate Stranger looking for victims at a lake and at the end of the day, a group of friends, frantically calling the name of their missing friend. A woman being stabbed in broad daylight, and no one lifting a finger to help her. Farrah Fawcett's** little girl, finally admitting the truth to herself by writing down the name of her attacker. (She was mute. And the attacker was her Mom).

My sister still claims that she cannot throw a pair of curtains open thanks to American Werewolf; she has to pull back one curtain, then the other, whereas I can't even remember that scene.

Damon Slavatore trying to escape an animal trap
Just today I saw Damon Salvatore trying to rip his hand out of an animal trap and it didn't bother me in the slightest. 127 hours though? I'm afraid to watch it because I know that suffering was real, and that someone actually endured what I'm seeing.

I think that real life is hard enough. I don't want to spend my leisure time immersed in real suffering and unimaginable cruelty that will haunt me. I'll stick to pretend bogeymen, thank you, because deep down, they don't frighten me at all.

So are you a fan of the fantastic? If so, what draw does it hold for you.


* I would like to add that Gary Cole was the actor playing the murderer and did not actually kill his own family
** Same for Farrah Fawcett, she played the murderous mom.

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

Mason and Me - Life with a Teacup Dragon (4)


Oh Dear!  
Well, it seems that Mason has found his spark! Casualties so far seem to be my favourite pair of shoes, my friends mobile (cell) phone and the morning post.
Of course, we fireproofed the house when we got him, everything is flame and fire retardant, but there's some things you just don't think of. We have a letter cage because Andy chews the post; we never considered that Mason would enjoy burning it!
He looks very contrite each time we catch him, of course, so it's hard to stay mad at him. I think the dogs have been giving him lessons on how to give the best puppy-dog-eyes because he's a master at looking pitiful. So much so, my friend made me a sketch called “Mason Sorry”. You'll have to trust me when I say that the real thing is even harder to stay mad at!
Look Ma, it's almost edible!
Instead, we are trying to focus his flame towards more productive avenues, with varying degrees of success. The cupcakes are probably best not mentioned, as are the sausages.
My friends "Mason, Sorry" sketch
Now we are focusing on toast and we're making real improvements. This is our latest attempt.





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