Literary Snobs

Today, a Mr Michael Deacon (no, I hadn't heard of him before either) pens a heartfelt satire of Dan Brown's work, pointing out all the flaws in his writing.

I can't help wondering how much of his life Mr Deacon wasted penning that useless, uninformative, unimaginative bit of tripe. The whole thing smacks of jealousy.

"How dare Dan Brown, a multi-million selling author, not live up to my expectations of literary brilliance, while I, who does live up to my own exacting literary standards, am still struggling to break through! It isn't fair, goddammit!"

He'd have been better to spend those few hours trying to come up with an engaging plot and interesting characters for his own novel, rather than tearing down someone who has succeeded, in an attempt to make himself fell better about his own lack of success.

What Michael Deacon doesn't seem to realise, is that most readers simply want an enjoyable story, not a literary tome that is so brilliant, that one has to keep a dictionary handy and then decipher the hidden meaning behind each scene.

I suspect what Mr Deacon forgot is that his "article" (and  use speech marks for article, as it doesn't live up to any definition of journalism that I know of) isn't just insulting Dan Brown, but is also maligning every single person who has read and enjoyed one of his book. 80 million people read the Da Vinci Code; what astonishing arrogance it takes, to believe that you know better than 80,000,000 other people.

Someone needs to tell these literary aficionados that rather than coming across as a wise, educated and intelligent people, they sound more like elitist twits, who are completely out of touch with the majority of readers out there.

Dan Brown tells a good story. Michael Deacon does not.


P.S. If you have time, pop over to the Wall Street Journal, and read how one literary snob rediscvered his love of all fiction, and realised how much he'd been missing out on.

Has the world gone mad?

I tried to sign up for Barns and Noble today and had a rather confusing experience.

This is what their terms and conditions say: 

"If you wish to wish to publish and distribute your eBooks through NOOK Press, you must sign up for a Vendor Account, which will require you to provide us the following information: (i) for tax reporting purposes, your home address and, if you are located in the United States your federal tax identification number (or social security number if you are an individual), or if you are located outside of the United States, similar identifying information issued by the applicable governmental authority; and (ii) for the purpose of transmitting payments to you, your bank account number and routing information if you are located in the United States, or your SWIFT or International Bank Account Number (IBAN) if you are located outside the United States."

Sounds like they accept international authors, no? Except that once I had completed my account information, I got an email asking me to call them and verify the account. I called and was told that they cannot accept authors who are not US residents. 

I checked the terms and conditions again and called back, only to be told to instant message business services. I did, only to be told the same thing. Then I received an email to confirm that they cannot accept international authors.

However, NO ONE CAN ANSWER WHY THEIR TERMS AND CONDITIONS SAY THEY DO ACCEPT INTERNATIONAL AUTHORS, WHEN THEY DON'T!!!

"On Thursday, the company reported a stunning 26 percent drop in Nook sales during the last quarter of 2012. The Nook, said CEO William Lynch, was no longer able to compete with full-featured tablets like the iPad." Source

I know self publishing authors from all around the globe who are doing very well with Amazon kindle, and I alone have had 3 best sellers on Amazon. If you want to be some special snowflake of a company, who just can't accept international clients, then no wonder you are failing. You deserve to fail, and Amazon (despite my many problems with them of late) deserve to beat you.

My dealings with amazon go from bad to worse.

So near to paying some of my debts off,
yet still so very far.

After the whole cyberstalking incident, comes them withholding 11,000 dollars of my money. This is the email I have sent to Amazon's CEO, as their KDP customer services department don't even seem to be able to use common sense.

The images in this post weren't sent with the email below, although I was tempted.


Dear Mr Bezos,

I apologise for contacting you in this way but I hope that you can help me, as KDP customer services seem incapable of applying logic to my situation.

At the end of March I changed my payment details for royalties from EFT into a US account, to EFT into a UK account. 

When payments for April started going into my old account, I contacted Amazon to ask why, and was informed that the old method of payment would continue to be used for another 60 days. That was no problem, I just hadn't realised it took 60 days for changed to take effect.

In total, Amazon made 5 payments into my old bank account but notably, the payment for royalties accrued in the USA was missing. On the 1st of May I emailed customer services to ask where they payment was, as it hadn't gone into my account, nor had a received a remittance email for my USA royalties. The payment should have been for over $11,000 dollars, so I hope that you can understand my worry when this payment didn't come.

Literary fiction and Snobbery

I live in a city with a rich history of literature, indeed we have been named the UNESCO City of Literature. One thing that I notice however, is that despite being a writer, I don’t often feel welcome at writing events here.

My books are not literary, they never will be but that doesn’t mean that they are inherently without merit.

Reading anything, even rubbish, engages the whole brain, lowers Alzheimer causing protein, reduces stress and heart disease and may even improve empathy between cultures. Studies prove that reading tricks your brain into believing that you are engaged in the activities in your book, while watching TV, listening to music or playing video games are passive activities, which don’t stimulate the whole brain.

Books also increase happiness and stave off feelings of loneliness.

Marketing Tips for Indie Writers

Since marketing and sales tips are what I get asked for most frequently, here is my advice. 

As mentioned in my unrealistic expectations post, none of this will turn your book into an "overnight success" but if used wisely, it will help you build sales over time.

These are generally ranked in order of importance, most to least.

First of all, your Amazon (or other sales) page is essentially one big advert, so make it the best it can be. Have a quality product so that the look inside feature doesn't turn potential readers off (hire an editor or proofreader if you need to). Be certain that the cover is the best it can be since this is what will tempt most readers to click on your page in th first place. Work and re-work your blurb until it is short, professional, interesting and most importantly, will make potential readers want to know more. And please do your best to make sure there are no errors on your page and in the blurb; we're only human but it can turn readers off.

Secondly, write another good book. The more books you have out there, the more chance you have of someone discovering one of your books and if they like it, they might well check out your other books too. Associated sales can make up a large chunk of your income.

Third, promotion never stops. I have reached the point where I make bestseller lists (and fingers crossed that it continues) but I still tweet excepts of good reviews, link to them on facebook, join relevant groups on FB, post promo tweets under the existing book hashtags (such as #SampleSunday and #WeekendReads). I post chapter one of a new book to my blog as a sample, with links to buy at the end. My website has a mailing list option so readers can sigh up for updates. 

I did used to make good use of the free option on the KDP Select program (and probably will in the future too). By that I mean that you need to promote that it's free. Contact kindle freebie blogs, twitter freebie accounts (a common tag is #freeebooks), post it to facebook voucher/coupon groups, general freebie/coupon/voucher websites. The more free downloads you get, the better the word of mouth will be and the more reviews and word of mouth sales you might get. 

I think it was freebies that got me the readership that I needed to make it to the best seller lists

Next, contact forums, blogs and groups in your genre and ask them to mention or review your book. 

DON'T SPAM! To be sure that you aren't considered spam, contact the admins and ask if you can post a promotion for your book, or ask them to consider posting a link to your book. If there is no admin, post and ask other members if it's allowed. I sent a private message to one FB group owner who had a historical western group and asked "would you consider" my book (but I didn't say in what capacity she should consider it). She came back and said they didn't do reviews any more but would post a link for me, for which I thanked her. 

Don't become a pest! The golden rules for promotion are-
1) Ask (unless its twitter or your own FB page)
2) Post 1 maybe 2 links or posts 
3) Then leave it be. If you make a nuisance of yourself you will turn potential readers off.

These next tips are the ones i believe are least effective, as least for me.

If you have any contacts in the local press, ask them if they can run a story on you, or get their book reviewer to read your stuff. If you have an interesting or unique story, contact local papers (or even national newspapers if your story is interesting enough) the worst they can say is no.

Enroll some paperback copies (if you have them) into BookCrossing or similar and "set them free". 

If you do have paperbacks, contact local shops that specialize in your genre, or small independent book shops, and ask if you can do a reading for them, or even if they will consider stocking your book. if it's only on Kindle, have some posters or leaflets printed and ask if you can leave them in the shops. 

Marketing opportunities are endless but they are also time consuming, so direct your efforts to where you believe they will bring you the most return. 

Things that will NOT work
1) Publishing your book and not promoting it
2) Press releases. Just don't waste your time
3) Paid for advertising, online or in print
4) Blogs. I don't know that my blog posts here has got me a single sale. My chapter excerpts have (I can see by the link stats) and some readers like the additional info on my books that I post here, although by then they have generally bought and read the book. In my humble opinion, general blog posts just don't give you the necessary return for the effort required. 
5) Blog tours. As above, they just dont give the returns you need for the effort (and cost) you put in.
6) Book trailers. 

And finally a bone of contention, reviews.

Many people will tell you that you need good reviews to succeed. I disagree. Reviews might help some readers decide but my last 3 books reached the top 10, without a single review on their pages for up to 2 weeks. For some of my books, I've been unlucky enough to have a 1 star as my first review, yet sales didn't die off (although they may have dipped for a time). 

The truth is, most people aren't used to having ample access to book reviews, they're used to walking into a book shop, browsing and then buying the books with the blurbs that most appealed to them. Amazon and book review sites have been around for perhaps 15 years and popular for perhaps 10 years, but the majority of readers have been uing book shops for decades longer than that. Over time it may change and people might put more stock in reviews but for the moment, no or negative reviews haven't affected my sales. 

The next point is your books rating. Mine go between 3 and 4.8 stars on Amazon and honestly, the 3 star books sell better than the 4+ star books and the 4+ star books are usually my earlier works, which I know aren't as good as my newer, lower rated books. My best rated book with 4.8 stars is hands down my worst seller. I get maybe 4 sales a month on that one, maximum, despite it only having 4 and 5 star reviews. 

What have I learned from this? That not all 5 star reads are good quality and that not everyone wants a quality read; many readers out there just want a little escapist entertainment. 

Thats the reason why so many big budget films follow a formula, why formulaic TV shows are consistently watched and why (in the UK) our soap operas are consistently in out top 10 programs. People want to watch something they're comfortable with, or that they know has a happy ending, or that wont require taking notes to keep track, nor move so slowly that they are inclined to nod off. 

People want to be entertained but not necessarily (or certainly not always) made to think or concentrate too hard.  Tell a good story and some people will like your book. 

Some people will hate it too. Have you loved every film or TV show that you've ever watched and every book that you've ever read? Even if you love police procedurals, that doesn't mean that you will automatically love or like every police procedural? Does that mean that the ones you don't like are inherently bad, or just that they aren't to your personal taste? 

Sadly your book wont be to everyone's taste and some of those people will slate it in reviews. I once heard of a reader however, who bought a book based only on a one star review. Among other things, the reviewer gave it one star because didn't like all the sex in the book, but the reader thought that lots of sex sounded just up her alley. 

So even negative reviews can help your book sales and I think that most people know that on sites like Amazon and Goodreads, reviews are just opinions and opinions are like arseholes; everybody has one and some of them stink.

So that's my advice on how to make sales but a final word of caution. Use your time judiciously. 

You can literally spend weeks marketing your book but on the whole, that time is often better spent writing a new book. The more books you have, the greater chance you have of one of your books appealing to a potential reader. If they like one book, a lot of readers will look through your other books. 

So always consider the time requirements of a marketing attempt before you embark on it. Visiting book shops for example, is very time consuming and not likley to give a big (if any) pay off.

Unrealistic Expectations and a Voice of Reason

I never fail to be amazed by the numbers of people who have completely unrealistic expectations when they self-publish a book. 

You know of all those "overnight successes" you've read about? Chances are they put 10 or more years of hard graft into their writing careers BEFORE they became an "overnight success". 

I like to think of it like this. No matter your age, if you changed careers, say from I.T. to insurance underwriting, would you honestly expect to become CEO or COO overnight? Or even just a Director or department head? Hell NO! You would expect to put in years of service, take professional exams where necessary, work hard, do well and slowly get promoted through the ranks. 

Why when it comes to being an author, does this common sense go out of the window? 

Then again, starting a new business is probably more like self publishing than being employed, so say you start a clothes designing business. Would you honestly expect to rival Gucci, Prada, or even Primark, overnight? NO! No matter how talented a dress designer you are, you would expect to build your business and your brand slowly, proving your talent, growing your customer base and maybe one day, you will be a respected brand in the fashion industry. 

You might consider coming up with a business plan and even researching your new business. 

So why does everyone expect to write one book and with little time, research or marketing efforts, become an overnight success? 

Time for a little Queen.

There's always time for Queen. Plus, I love this song.