A dyslexic writer?

I have done a lot of self examination over the last five years. I have come to regignise my character flaws and come to terms with them, I have learned how to forgive and generally I am a content person. I still have issues but who doesn't? The difference is today I recognise my issues when they come up and can actively fight them.

Recently I realised the one exception to this was my dyslexia. I have never examined it and aside from reading enough to know I had it, I never delved any deeper.

It's time to change that and to examine exactly why I should let a condition over which I had no control affect my life.

I've known I was dyslexic since I was about 21 but have never been formally tested. As an adult I would have had to pay for a test (which cost about £400) and since I had already found my own coping mechanisms for most things I couldn't see the point.

I think I get my dyslexia from my Dad, but I didn't grow up with him, I hardly saw him and my mother and sister have a perfect grasp of the English language (and a couple of others). I felt like a freak. I didn't know that my Dad might be like me, I just knew that things that should come easily to me didn't. It didn't occur to me that conversely they didn't understand electricity, why the sun shone, how their washing machine, cars, radios and lights worked etc etc but all I could see was the ways in which I didn't measure up to them. They didn't and still don't care how the things around them work, so I didn't receive any praise for that sort of stuff. Until something was broken of course, then I was the go-to girl.

State school was hard, I was falling behind and acting out so after 3 years I was moved to a private school. I (mostly) loved it there, but there were many frustrating things. I hated that I was with children a year younger then me (I didn't meet my own age groups standards) I hated that even when I got every question right, some teachers would mark me down for poor writing and spelling. I hated that I had to have extra, one on one english lessons because everyone in the class knew where I went at lunchtime, I felt like an outcast. And it meant I had extra homework!

During summer holidays I sometimes had private tutors, I even had calligraphy lessons. I can do very pretty calligraphy, but I still cant write for toffees! Calligraphy is art, not writing. And it was still mis-spelt!

When I gingerly told my mother I thought I might be dyslexic (I felt like I was making an excuse for my spelling) she said she'd suspected and had asked my school about it, only for the Head to tell her dyslexia was a myth. There were 3 other dyslexics in my class but I guess their parents arranged for their tests.

I never held anything against my school, I did very well on my exams (especially the sciences) thanks to them, but only now as I'm trying to become a writer can I see the deep seated insecurities that my school and parents instilled in me.

As a young child I had something called Storyteller, which were comic books with accompanying audio tapes. I loved those and couldn't wait until a new one came out. But I gradually outgrew them and couldn't find anything else I wanted to read. My choices were Enid Blyton and Judy Bloom. I picked a couple up and soon put them down again. It wasn't until I discovered science fiction that I had a reason to want to read. I was then a pretty voracious reader, branching out into fantasy and horror. I was almost addictive, I would stay up all night just to find out how a good book finished.

Those stories also inspired me to write. Back then I scrawled my stories in notebooks, then on the school computer but I rarely showed them to anyone. One story I was really proud of I showed to my teacher. I don't remember if she liked it, I only remember seeing it covered in red ink. I think I got 6/10.

Still, I carried on writing because it was something I enjoyed. About the same time I discovered I was dyslexic I also discovered the internet. Here was somewhere I could share my stories and not have to worry about bad reactions. It didn't matter if people hated them because they didn't know who I was. As it turns out, 12 years ago the internet was a much nicer place and no one was mean or "flamed" me. I grew in confidence, found people who would proof my work and offer feedback before I posted it so my writing began to improve too.

Then when I was 25 I tried my first novel, showed it to my mother and felt crushed by her reaction. I stopped writing for a couple of years, my drinking got heavier and I hit rock bottom when I was 28. I don't blame my dyslexia for my being an alcoholic but those feelings of never being good enough certainly helped me on my downward spiral. I quit drinking on my 28th birthday with the help of AA and I haven't had a drink since. It's been a journey of self discovery since then, with this one noticeable exception.

When I was sending my manuscripts out last year, I felt like a fraud. A dyslexic writer. Ha, good one! I didn't mention it in my covering letter (which would have been a good selling point) and as rejection after rejection rolled in I wasn't surprised. Why would anyone want to read it?

This time though, I didn't stop writing. The sequel came and now I'm half way through the threequel. I showed it to some readers of that genre and they loved it but I still feel like a fraud. Me a writer! Pull the other one, it's got bells on.

A part of me still doesn't feel that it's real. For so long I have been told that I should be able to do X and Y but now that I have an actual reason why i cant do X and Y, or why I find them harder than normal people, I feel that I'm making an excuse. Let me be clear on that, I believe that dyslexia is real and i would believe anyone who explained their literacy (and some other problems) ob being dyslexic. It's just me who is the fraud.

It's hardly considering that just the other week when I tried to explain some of the results from my self examination on other topics to my sister (foolishly thinking she might gain some insight into herself) she told me I was a victim which is why I like labels.

I don't consider myself a victim. Shit happens, that's life. To moan and whinge about the relatively little shit in my life would be self indulgent in the extreme. However to overcome an issue, one must first understand it. You cannot learn to read without first learning the alphabet. You cannot learn to dance without first learning the steps. I need to understand what is happening inside my head before I can find ways to counteract it.

I don't know how I'm going to get over this but examining it is the first step which is why I'm joining forums, reading articles and examining my feelings on the subject.

Already I have discovered a lot of information that I never knew was related to dyslexia. Did you know that being untidy is common among dyslexics? As is difficulty managing time and appointments, reading analogue clocks, difficulty remembering right from left and dificulty remembering sequences, not just number sequences but things like lists and timelines.

I'm starting to understand why no one really understands me. I don't just have poor language skills, I have a totally different way of processing the world.

But dyslexia isn't all bad and different can be a good thing, if you also recognise the strengths it can give you. I'm in good company too! Here are some famous dyslexic writers and authors.

Stephen Cannell, television writer & novelist
Agatha Christie
W.B. Yeats
Hans Christian Andersen
Fannie Flagg (Author of "Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe")
F. Scott Fitzgerald

Examples of other famous people with dyslexic can be found here.

Why not find out if you might be dyslexic with this quick test.

Vamp Wars!

Are you Team Eric or Team Bill? If your answer is anything other than "Who are they?" then it's time to put your money where your mouth is!

In case you've been living under a rock, I am of course talking about True Blood.

There's a little friendly competition happening between Bill and Eric (AKA Stephen Moyer and Alexande Skarsgård).

Stephen and Alex are raising money for charity and whoever's fans donate the most money to the cause wins. Of course there's a catch, the loser has to wear a T-shirt designed my the winners!

For more info or details on how to donate, see askarsgard.com.

Right now, Team Eric are winning by over $1,000.

I must say, with all the negative attention fans receive even I sometimes start to think all fans are just a bunch of nutters! Which is why I love it when things like this happen, reminding everyone that most fans are actually lovely people who enjoy giving back.

Another event I loved was Fandom Rocks. It was started by fans to raise money for charity in the name of TV show, Supernatural. Unfortunately Fandom Rocks has now closed it's doors but the generosity of fans never ceases to amaze me.

Glee

When I first started watching Glee it was because it appealed to my closeted star. Most of us have one, he/she usually dreams of singing to packed houses but is either too scared to try, or knows they don't quite have the talent to match the dreams.


I'm mostly the former with a splash of the latter so this show was right up my alley. Even better, it was something i could watch with my teenage niece. There aren't too many programs around that we're equally crazy about.

Sure, the characters were mostly caricatures, the situations were straight from a soap opera and there wasn't a single character I really liked. Don't get me wrong, I didn't dislike them, I was just indifferent.

As such, Glee was a fun piece of escapism and nothing more. It had charm and I forgave it it's flaws.

The disabled boy, the gay character, the pregnant teen, the fat girl, to me they were all just token characters, there to either be politically correct or to be sensationalist. I was very cynical.

I kept those views for the most of the first half of the season. We were slowly given an insight into a few of their lives, but for the most part Glee was a very superficial show.

Then things started to change. Will grew a backbone. Of all the characters I suppose Will Schuester was my favourite, though that's not saying a lot. He was a weedy, wimpy bleeding heart liberal who talked a good game but didn't deliver. Week after week I wanted to bash his head in for being a doormat to his wife and the cheerleading coach, I wanted to beat some sense into him so he could see the lies. I mean, come on, man! My dogs wouldn't have put up with his wife's behaviour, and they lick their own arses!!!

Then one day, Will finds out the truth. It was a fleeting moment of real anger, but it made me sit up and watch. Hmm, maybe there was more to Mr Nice Guy than just a good voice. I wondered if this could not only last, but even spread to some of the other characters.

And low and behold it did. The pregnant girl, Quinn's lies were discovered, then she got kicked out of her house when her parents found out about the baby. Fat became an issue for Mercedes, the fat girl. Homophobia became an issue for Kurt, the gay kid. The disabled boy, Artie's dreams of walking were horribly (but honestly) crushed.

Fat girls do not miraculously get slim over night and have all their problems solved. They have to learn to love themselves for who they are, fat or thin.

Pregnancy isn't pleasant. At the best of times it drives most women a little crazy and I don't mean that mothers to be are hormonal. I'm talking about peeing every five minutes, loss of mobility, the inability to tie ones own shoe laces, loss of self, financial worries and worry over doing the right thing. Most adults have a hard time with this, teenagers have it even harder.

Paralysed people rarely walk again. For some lucky ones the damage to the spine isn't permanent (eg it caused by pressure on the spine) or isn't total and some function can be regained. Sadly for the majority, spinal injuries are life long. Artie didn't just get up and walk again because he hoped hard enough or dreamed long enough. It sucks. That's life. But do you know what? Artie didn't let it ruin his life. He took the blows, dusted himself off and carried on.

Homophobia can be very damaging to young gay men. They learn that to be accepted they need to change, hide certain aspects of themselves, laugh along with the gay jokes and try to fit in. Then along comes Kurt. Flamboyant, fey and shameless. His father loves him but admits he doesn't know how to handle it. The bullies pick on him, but Kurt fires right back with his barbed wit. He knows who he is and he knows there's nothing wrong with him. He flirts with "playing it straight" but knows that's not who he is. I don't blame gay men (or women) who do chose to hide their sexuality to fit in, but I am glad they have an out and proud role model on network TV.

Real life was beginning to interrupt this sugar coated world, and I was liking the results.

As the series progressed there were some real hardships coming to the fore, some real emotions poking through the shiny façade, and some real strength of character being shown in over coming these obstacles.

Are there still cartoonish plots? Sure. Are some characters still over the top? Absolutely. The only real difference? Now the show has heart.

For every soap opera plot line, over the top acting and sickly sweet scenario, there's also a truth being spoken.

For every unbelievable scene, like a headmaster believing that vampires are real, there's a moving scene, like Kurt's father comparing f*g to the N word.

Glee is truly unique television. It takes the things you shouldn't like (like show choir and fat people) or the issues that society as a whole shuns (like disability and homosexuality) and by making them cool, hopefully make the viewers question their own prejudices.

I've just touched on some of the issues raised in Glee, the more prominent ones or the ones that most spoke to me, but I think most kids are represented here. There's something for everyone and I hope in season 2 and 3 that Glee never forgets when it's at it's best. In other words, when the sublime compliments the ridiculous.

Couple of things.

I have a few things to say but nothing worthy of it's own post, so here's a few mini posts.

Living a lie

This story about a gay man's journey towards coming out left me with very mixed feelings.

First of all, I can almost literally feel his pain. As normal as homosexuality is for me, I really do see how much prejudice is out there. I also know what it's like to live a lie, a lie you cant even admit to yourself, a lie that literally threatens to destroy you.

What I cant forgive though, and what is glossed over in this tale, is involving an innocent in that lie, namely his wife.

While he was living his lie, he always had a choice. A difficult choice, no doubt, but he chose to live that lie. He didn't give his wife a choice. When he was living that life he lied to her face, time and again. To ad insult to injury, when he made another choice to come out, he didn't even give her the respect of telling her first and hearing her input into she'd like things handled.

When he chose to stay in the closet, he had another choice. Play the playboy role, living it up with a gaggle of different women, women he wouldn't necessarily even have to sleep with, just be seen with. Or he could play the loving husband and father. One way doesn't hurt anyone, the other does. He made the wrong choice.

For 9 years or more, Wayne, you lied to her face every single day, either directly or by omission but you make no acknowledgement of that fact.

Whether you're gay, straight or bi-sexual, women are not yours to play with. We are not on this earth to make men's lives easier, we are not playthings you can use when convenient and disguard when you change your mind. We are people with our own thoughts, emotions and feelings. We deserve your respect, regardless of whether you are sexually attracted to us or not.

You used that poor women for 9 years and then discarded her when you decided you didn't what that lie any more. That is why I don't have any sympathy for you.


The BP Oil Spill.

I must confess I'm not a green. I don't cancel out my carbon foot print and I'm undecided about global warming since both sides make a compelling case (though the falsified data from the University of East Anglia does sway me slightly to the con side of the argument).

So when the oil spill happened I wasn't jumping all over BP. Accidents happen, they seemed to be trying to clear the problem up and I thought some people were being very harsh, especially considering how little is said over the 1.5 millions tons of oil Shell spilled in the Niger Delta (that's 50 times more than the Exxon Valdez spilled).

I was cynical, everyone was up in arms over poor America and it's wildlife, but not the Nigerians. I guess Nigeria isn't news worthy. I don't like hypocrisy and I didn't like how worked some people were about one while ignoring the other.

In recent days though I'm changing my mind.

Stories like this, in which BP are actively trying to hide the damage done to wildlife.

And this report, which shows that BP knew there were problems with the well and to save money, opted not to follow safety precautions.

Then (though I can't for the life of me remember where I saw this) we have the theory that BP wanted the junk shot to fail at blocking the spill because it really would prefer to drill 2 relief wells so it can still collect (and sell) the oil. Yes, it's borderline "conspiracy theory" but it does give me pause.

As much as I would hate for Britain to lose an(other) industry giant, I fear PB will not survive this. I also fear that by then, I'll think they deserve it.

You done wrong, BP. Stop hiding and trying to finesse your way out of blame. Admit it, do your best to stop the damage and then throw yourself on the public's mercy. I believe this is your only change of survival.

Book Covers

I have been sent some very early cover previews. These are my favourite two.

<- I like the simplicity of this one and it's very eye catching. I love the fact it's white because that's not what you expect when reading a vampire novel. While still being relevant to the book, in no way does this book say "this is a run of the mill, urban fantasy book". of course at the same time, in no way does it even say "This is an urban fantasy book".














-> Again, I like the simplicity of this one and the eyes. They're spooky and unusual. I also think is eye catching and it's more traditional, no one picking this up would be surprised to find it's an urban fantasy book.

Just because of how unusual the white cover is in this genre, I think that's my favourite.

What are your thoughts? The traditional dark background or the unusual white background?

Why is being gay still so sensational?

I will admit that when it comes to gays I probably come from a fairly unique perspective. My uncle is gay and all through my childhood it was just accepted that he and his friends had boyfriends. He was always around and he's been a bigger influence in my life than my own father. In fact my earliest memory is him picking me up from playschool. His friends were welcomed and his boyfriends were treated like family.

I didn't even realise there was anything unusual about men dating other men until I was about 12.

But I'm getting off point. Today I saw this picture captioned



It's an awesome picture so I clicked to see the other captions and "he's gay" was the theme in about 50% of the other captions. Some were nice, some were nasty, but seriously, half the captions mentioned his being gay. I searched for other images of NPH on the site and the same thing happened, so it's not just because of the picture.

Why? So he's a gay man playing a straight character. He's not the first and he wont be the last. Have people never heard of Rock Hudson, Anthony Perkins or Richard Chamberlin? Seriously, this is not a new phenomenon. They're actors, playing other people. John Wayne wasn't really a cowboy and Michael C Hall isn't really a serial killer.

I get why the haters bring it up but will someone please tell me why even those who love him must continually bring up that he's gay? Am I so out of touch? Is being gay still really so sensational?

I mean please, when captioning Neil Patrick Harris there is tons of comedic material you can play with. Most of it much funnier and more more interesting that "ooh, he's gay". As much as I love Doogie Howser (and always will, impressions formed in childhood are hard to change) there is some good comedic material in that. Now he plays Barney Stinson, the catch phrase coining, walking joke who is the funniest thing about How I Met Your Mother. Not to mention Dr Horrible. Use your imaginations people.

It's such a shame that today's media frenzy means that people can't have a private life. I can completely understand why those in the public eye want to keep being gay quiet, because once you're "out" that seems to be all people are interested in. It doesn't matter how good you are at what you do, you'll always be the "the gay person who was really great at something" rather than just the person who was really great at something.

Anyway, let's finish on a high note. I wish more of my childhood hero's had turned out so normal and well adjusted.

The New New Who

I am a geek. Sure, I generally hide it well but I am a geek at heart, on par with an MIT graduate according to one personality test I took.

Knowing that, it should come as no surprise that I'm a Dr Who fan but I have a sort love hate relationship with the newest incarnations of the Doctor.

Russell T Davies was a hack. His plots were full of holes and as his seasons progressed, he seemed to become more and more enamoured of his own prowess and indulged in writing some of the worse TV ever.

Christopher Eccleston's series was the best. RTD's head wast too big and Christopher Eccleston has enough gravitas that I could overlook the gaping plot holes in favour of some great acting. Even Billie Piper was good, I think being with Chris made her up her game.

David Tennant was a fun doctor, i liked him, but he didn't have the same prowess as Chris so I could forgive less, and of course the show started believing it's own hype and the problems got bigger. There are some stand outs in David's era, but not many. And as for Rose's character, oh sweetheart, what did they do to you? Once you were a kick ass companion, by the end you were a whiney, love sick brat travelling between dimensions for a man who left you behind (and did so again when you found him, albeit with a pale imitation of himself to keep you happy). We must placate the wimens, after all. It's not like a woman ever survived having a broken heart and moved on to live a good life.

And don't even get me started about what they did with Martha. Talk about missing an opportunity.

I was pleased when I heard that RTD was standing down and Stephen Moffat was taking over. I had liked most of his episodes in the past and was hopeful he would improve the show.

I was also pleased when he said he wouldn't be bringing back any old bad guys. To be honest, I'm getting a little tired of the Daleks or Cybermen being behind every other plot.

However, after viewing the pilot, my hopes are fading. Talk about self indulgent!

The first 10 minutes were just about having fun. They told us nothing about the characters or the new doctor and the humour was childish in the extreme. The plot points that were revealed in those 10 minutes could easily have been compressed into 60 seconds.

And so it continued for the rest of the episode, culminating with a preview of the rest of the series and who should show up prominently in that preview. The weeping angels, the Daleks AND the Cybermen. Now the weaping angels we've only seen once, i dont mind them coming back, but must the Daleks and Cybermen show up every frickin series! Use some imagination! There's a whole universe out there, why not show a little diversity!

And while we're on that subject, aliens who have human looking eyeballs as their... communicators? most likely aliens wouldn't look a thing like us, so why would they model their technology on human eyeballs? Human eyes aren't even that good, as eyes go, many other species have much better vision than we do.

My high hopes have been dashed.

Will i continue to watch? Probably. It is Dr Who, a staple of my childhood.

But I wasn't desperate to see this episode, I didn't watch it when it aired as I used to in season 1 of New Who. Who has been relegated from cant miss TV to filler TV, what I watch when there's nothing else on. It's just such a shame, it has so much potential that's being wasted.

But to end on a high(er) point, I think I like the new companion, however the marriage and slight romantic vibes are giving me pause. And after both Rose and Martha, can you blame me for being worried?